What can happen in life after 45. Life after forty. Renewal or resignation. In other dimensions
How to find the meaning of life after 50 years, if your husband left for another woman, the children moved away and your favorite job turned into a routine?
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Ekaterina Sobchik: - In this situation, you can indulge your egoism with all your might. Everything that you did not allow yourself until the age of 50, because it belonged to your family, husband, child, can be safely allowed and implemented. It is after 50 years that many women find the most unexpected pleasures in life, because they are not burdened by passions, hormones do not drive them into obligatory love. You can go to the pool, you can go dancing. Now it has become very popular for older women to go dancing, it is very useful from the point of view of physiology, the musculoskeletal system, and it is good from an emotional point of view.
You can start going to theaters, voraciously reading literature, lying on the couch with a book, and no one will demand dinner. You must learn to enjoy such a selfish life. Some people find pleasure in growing flowers, if they have a garden, others take care of animals. The world is huge and you can always find a use for yourself in it.
If there is an attitude within you that 50 is the end of life, then just remember that you still have 30-40 years ahead of you. Imagine how many more years of life you can cross out and turn into a dull and miserable existence. It's just a different quality of life.
If a person is relatively healthy, then this time, retirement age, is very interesting in its own way. Of course, if there are chronic diseases, they impose certain restrictions. However, a person can still find some niche for himself in which he could express himself.
“AiF”: - How to survive unrequited love?
E.S.: - Not a single state, not a single feeling is frozen. Either way, something is changing. If you are a monogamous person, it is quite possible that you will carry this feeling throughout your whole life, but the severity will disappear, it will not be so painful. You will treat this as an integral part of your life and it will not bother you. If you are not monogamous and are able to switch, then the time has not come yet. The time will come, you will wake up one day and feel that you are free and can
love another person
“AiF”: - But there are cases when people love one person for 20 years, but cannot be with him...
E.S.: - And this happens. We sometimes tend to mythologize our lives. These are different things: I didn’t marry and I loved for 20 years, and they don’t necessarily have to be connected. Sometimes this is a good excuse for the fact that life didn’t work out, because I loved this Petya Pupkin all my life, and he ruined it for me. This is largely a myth.
“AiF”: - What should shy girls do who would like to get married, but do not value their appearance highly?
E.S.: - Usually it is difficult for a woman to cope with such an attitude. The first thing you need to think about is to live independently, without parents. Living together with your parents - this is a very serious barrier and this is a very dangerous path, especially if you are already about 30 years old.
Because at 40 you won’t be able to do anything at all. Unfortunately, our parent-child relationships develop in such a way that parents are not very willing to let their children go. Many parents, despite the fact that they say: I wish you to get married, I’m worried that nothing is working out for you, somewhere in the depths of their souls they feel satisfaction from this situation - my daughter is with me, maternal selfishness often manifests itself this way. Therefore, you need to live separately. This is the first.
As for appearance, there are now so many programs on this topic! It is quite obvious that any appearance can be played up, the whole question is to find your own style. With both plumpness and short stature, you can be very impressive if you have the courage. Usually the main problem is to gain courage.
Around the age of forty-five, balance is restored and a sense of stability appears, which can bring satisfaction.
If a person has refused to be active in midlife, the feeling of decline will develop into a feeling of resignation. After some time, a person who has stopped developing will lose support and security. Parents become children. Children will become strangers. The friend will grow up and leave. A career will simply become a job. And each of these events will feel like a failure. The crisis state will return around the age of fifty. And although his blow will be even more powerful, it can push a submissive middle-aged person to restore his vitality.
On the other side...
If during these years we find a new purpose around which we decide to build an authentic structure of life, then they can become the best of our lives. Personal happiness helps those partners who accept themselves as they are:
"I don't know no one who would understand me better.” Parents can be forgiven for making their children too difficult. Children can be released without regret. At fifty years old comes a new warmth and wisdom of experience. Friends and personal life become more important than ever. People who have passed the middle of life most often state that their motto now is: “Don't deal with nonsense.”
Change in sense of self and others
Yeah, today your son beat you at tennis for the first time. Or he asks your permission to take sleeping bags and lie down with a friend on the lawn. You stay up all night, and in the morning you ask him about ordinary things. However, from the expression on his face you understand: your son knows what really interests you.
Your daughter is surprised if you try on a super sexy toilet in a store: “Oh, Mom, that’s just disgusting.”
Teenage children have absolutely no tolerance for midlife parents having the same romantic fantasies as them.
You look at your parents and see how weak they have become. They don't see so well anymore. They would like you to drive the car. They periodically start to get sick. Who will be next, you think. You will, and who else, you’re already forty. You are next on the train of successive generations, and your children are following you.
Feeling like a child in relation to your parents, you still feel safe. After their death you are left alone. “Today, many people experience death for the first time at the age of thirty-five or forty, when their parents pass away,” notes Margaret Mead. The death of a parent is recognized as the most significant crisis moment for children.
Your curiosity becomes morbid. You have never read an obituary before, but now you notice both age and illness. For the first time in your relatively healthy life, you become somewhat of a hypochondriac.
Middle-aged people often say, “All my friends are dying of cancer.” Of course, not all of their friends die from cancer. But one or two are enough, and it is already perceived as a shock. We are told about longevity. Why do so many people become seriously ill in their late forties? As infant mortality has fallen sharply in recent years, more people who might have died at birth are surviving. They go through childhood safely, however, they are not as physically strong as our grandparents, who survived in more difficult conditions. Consequently, as follows from the analysis of statistical data on life expectancy, the number of middle-aged people in the country is constantly increasing and, accordingly, the number of people susceptible to death in middle age.
At twenty-five, if a tragedy occurs in the life of your friend or relative, you are empathetic, but rather distant, since it did not happen to you. After thirty-five, you start to feel anxious and worry more about your life before it's too late. It's all for the better.
The paradox is that death becomes a personified concept, but when faced with it, your life force is energized. In the face of such danger, it is as if you are starting a second life.
Collapse of illusions
The change in perception is clearly visible in the way we now imagine the dream. Regardless of our occupation, we find ourselves facing a chasm that separates our self-image at the age of twenty and the reality of life that we experience at the age of forty. If you are a forty-year-old mother, then your goal will soon slip through your fingers. If you are a chief administrator, then psychologists who claim that “a person over the age of forty-five should not hold a line position” will soon be talking about you. They will announce that you must be removed from the workforce. Their main desire is to recruit young, energetic people who concentrate on the lower rungs of the hierarchy. Psychologists do not take into account philosophically minded middle-aged people who would like to make their civic contribution to society.
At the age of forty, it becomes clear in which league you will play your life in the future. Regardless of your position, you will wonder: “Is that all?”
Liberation from illusions happens to everyone. And the most important thing here is not to drown in self-pity. Studs Terkel, who collected the stories of Americans from more than a hundred professions, wrote an unusual book, “Work.” Among all the people described in the book, Terkel was able to identify only one common feature - anxiety about age. “This is perhaps what worries working men and women the most: the planned obsolescence of people as part of the planned obsolescence of the things they do.”
You must give up the belief that all the riches in life come from achieving the goals of your ideal self. If these goals are not achieved or reviewed, you may fall into a state of chronic depression. On the other hand, if you accept that you will never become president of a bank in a major city, then resign yourself to being a department manager in your favorite job and maybe have even more fun coaching a minor league sports team or running a choir. .
If you have achieved harmony within your inner self, what will happen after your dreams come true? It should be replaced with a new dream, otherwise in the future you will have no goal left, but many fears will appear. On the other hand, if you are freed from old ideas, you can open a small restaurant and show your culinary skills, or write songs, or do charity work, or cultivate a garden. I know many middle-aged people who have turned to such things. They are more energetic than their peers who cannot part with their unfulfilled dreams and whose source of vitality dries up by the age of fifty.
The paradox is that medicine is struggling to increase life expectancy, and business psychology is looking for ways to narrow the duration of our active activity.
Movement towards your individuality
When glimpses of knowledge develop into beliefs and the dream loses its appeal, any role we choose seems too narrow, any structure of life too limiting. A husband, wife, mother, father, child, mentor, or deity we believe in may feel like part of a cycle that is holding us back.
The loss of youth and loss of physical strength have always been taken for granted by us, but the devaluation of the goals of the stereotypical roles that we have defined for ourselves raises questions that do not have clear answers. During this period, any blow of fate can unsettle us. Age leaves radical changes in personality. They are inevitable.
These changes enable a woman to assert her strength, a man to allow the expression of emotions, and they allow any of us to cast aside narrow professional and economic boundaries. When this happens, we ourselves are ready to look for the goal. Entering this path will lead us to a new understanding between ourselves and those we love.
But first, after the dark side of life is revealed to us, many fears will appear. Every problem that was not solved at the previous stage of development will manifest itself now and torment us. Even forgotten childhood themes will come to the surface. We will begin to be tormented by the hidden sides of our inner self. We must try to accept them or reject them.
These fears can lead us to depression, promiscuity, aggressiveness, hypochondria, self-destructive behavior (such as alcoholism, drug use, suicide) and sudden mood swings. There is relevant data on the passage of middle-aged people. Midlife crisis has always been used by psychiatrists to explain why so many creative and hardworking people burn out by age thirty-five. Even more dramatic is the evidence that they die from it.
If we admit this dark side of us, what will we see?
We are selfish, greedy, competitive, dependent, jealous, we are fearful, we are possessive, we have a destructive side.
Are you afraid to grow up? And who is not afraid of this? As we begin the process of re-evaluating everything we think, feel, and stand for, in an attempt to correct our true identity, we encounter internal resistance.
At this dangerous moment, we develop a feeling of fear. And this is when many of us want to retreat as quickly as possible, since moving forward means confronting the truth that we have long suspected; we were left alone.
We were left alone with our thoughts and feelings. Another person may come into contact with them through our experience or conversation, but no one else but ourselves can really internalize them: not wives, not husbands, although they can complement us, not mentors, not bosses. Even our parents cannot do this.
Since childhood, when we identified ourselves with our parents, we have been dragging behind us a primitive trail of imaginary protection: protection from the dictatorial side of the inner self, which I called the “inner guard.” This generalized defense gives us a sense of privacy and even in middle age protects us from being confronted with our absolute separateness. We hope that our friends, children, money or success will be able to extend the protection from loved ones that we received in childhood. The power of the “inner watchman” has led us to believe that by keeping our heads down and not wasting our full potential, we will protect ourselves from danger, failure, illness, and death. But all these are illusions.
By trying to maintain this illusion and maintaining what psychiatrists call “incomplete identification,” we only circumvent the pain we feel at the thought of separation. However, this does not protect us.
We try in every possible way to get away from this truth of life, we retreat and tremble. We rush after the sweet-voiced bird of our youth. Stop. Stagnation. And finally, we realize: the dark side is our own. The feeling of internal collapse becomes so strong that many of us no longer want to resist it.
The people whose biographies I cited in the book, at the age of forty-four or forty-five years old, could say: “I really lived in hell for several years, and now I’m coming out of it.” But they practically cannot describe this state. People who have lived half their lives are panic-stricken. They define it as “living in limbo” and say: “I sometimes ask myself if it’s worth getting up in the morning to live.” Further introspection seems dangerous.
The forty-three-year-old designer articulated the emotions and feelings he felt during this period as follows: “Over the past year, I discovered that I was suppressing all the feelings that I did not accept. Now they have come to the surface. I don't want to hinder them anymore. I want to acknowledge the responsibility that I really feel. I know that these feelings exist, and this allows me to adapt to the behavior pattern that I should choose.”
His confession suggests that this person is in a midlife crisis. “Now I am truly shocked by the scope and quality of these feelings. I feel fear, envy, greed, competitiveness. All these so-called bad feelings appear where I see and feel them. I’m amazed at how energetically we suppress them and don’t acknowledge our pain.”
We see that the transition to midlife is as much a turning point as adolescence, and in some ways even more painful. Is it worth living in such chaos and seeing all this? Is it worth making this a reality?
A partial answer to this is given in the children's book “The Velvet Bunny.” One day a young rabbit asked a horse what reality meant and whether it was painful?
From decomposition to renewal
Since the problem of this ten-year period is the search for identity, it is necessary to work and move through disintegration towards renewal. As for decomposition into its component parts, we have only now adapted our inner “I” to the requirements of society and other people.
Between twenty and thirty years we find an individual form around which we build a system of life: an ambitious administrator, a mother who always agrees with everything, a courageous politician, a wife who asks permission for any reason. If we adhered to only this system, the following prospect awaited us: we would do our job well, remain narrow and straightforward, we would be liked, we would be rewarded, and we would live forever.
At a turning point, you are shocked to discover that the prospect turned out to be an illusion. This small, innocent inner self truly dies away and makes room for a fully expanded self that will embrace all sides, including selfishness, resentment, cruelty, expansiveness, and tenderness—the “bad” along with the “good.” No matter how destructive this encounter with our repressed feelings and destructive impulses may be, the capacity for renewal is always present in every person.
This is neither decomposition nor renewal. The process involves two sides. By giving permission for personality disintegration, by accepting repressed and even unwanted aspects of the inner self, we thereby prepare the reintegration of our personality. During this period, each person more energetically seeks the truth about himself in order to see the world in the right perspective.
On the path to this world, we must mourn the old dying self and take a stance towards our inevitable death. Maturity will protect us from slavish obedience to the dictates of society and from wasting time when we seek the approval of others by agreeing to play by their rules. If we act this way, then we will have to defend ourselves less from our environment.
In the end, we will be able to shout: “No one has the right to dictate to me what is good and what is bad. I've seen bad things. And today I can find out everything, whatever it is. I am my own defense. Therefore, this is my and only my path in life.”
Decomposition into component parts provides the greatest expansion of our personality. At the end of this period, we can, based on our experiences, re-evaluate who we are. This is the update.
Inspection of the dark side
There is only one thing left for us to do: go into the darkness and study it. Immerse yourself in the mud for a while. Use Sunday and become a delinquent. This is the only way to discover our depths and gain new vitality.
However, some are trying to leave this intermediate station in the past and pass it without stopping. They don't accept the dark side. They begin to play tennis more often, go for more jogs, hold grand parties, transplant hair on their heads, have skin tightening, and find young partners for love pleasures. I'm not saying that running isn't a good idea, or that younger sex partners don't help revitalize a stagnant sex life, but people who rely solely on these outlets may be missing out on more than just personal development. If change is not allowed to happen, it can lead to slipping through the accumulated experience, but not to using it. The possible price for this will be superficiality.
Others block this transition to midlife by developing frantic activity in the turmoil. Gifted and, despite their youth, already famous businessmen, super-active hotel hostesses, politicians simply, as it seems to them, do not have time to experience the crisis associated with the middle of life. They are too busy organizing a new business, or business practices, or nominating themselves for a responsible position. They struggle with external difficulties because they are afraid to plunge into what turns out to be the limitations of the inner self.
It is noteworthy that internal problems that are suppressed in one period tend to surface in the next period of development and create additional difficulties. It's just terrible to experience a midlife crisis for the first time until you're fifty (although people go through that too). The development of a person's personality may simply be delayed if he continues to remain closed-minded. His horizons become narrow, he indulges his desires, and in the end the vital juices leave him, leaving only bitterness.
“If a person goes through a relatively quiet period in midlife,” Levinson says, “that limits his growth. Many men who have not gone through this crisis at the age of forty gain weight and lose the vitality necessary to continue the development of their personality in the remaining stages.”
The only way to free yourself from the fears of the dark side of the inner self is to allow them to enter you. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can combine new knowledge about ourselves with our youthful optimism and gain real vitality.
Let go of your feelings. Let change happen.
You can't take everything with you when you embark on a midlife journey. In search of internal approval, you push away from yourself social claims and the demands of other people, external assessments and general recognition. You free yourself from roles and go inside yourself.
We must make the journey through uncertainty. Whatever imaginary security we have gained from investing in people and public institutions, we must give it up. The “inner watchman” must lose the ability to control us. From this moment on, no outside force can influence our movement. Each of us must chart our own course. Each of us has the opportunity to be reborn, express our uniqueness and expand our ability to love ourselves and accept others.
The fortieth birthday is traditionally considered a difficult age, a crisis milestone. It seems that by celebrating this sad anniversary, you will instantly turn from a girl or young man into a woman and a man. All that lies ahead is old age and decay, lack of prospects and impending retirement.
A couple of centuries ago, such an age was indeed considered advanced. But who today would call Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, who celebrated their 54th birthday, old men? And 43-year-old Angelina Jolie is an old woman?
Even the World Health Organization has made adjustments to the age classification.
Young people are now considered to be between 18 and 44 years old. And 45–59 years old is the average age.
This means only one thing: 40 years is a wonderful time, very suitable for starting a new life, implementing bold projects, changing jobs and other actions that deviate from standard life patterns. All you need is desire.
Feel all the benefits
There are several important advantages to turning 40. As a rule, they already have education behind them (sometimes more than one), accumulated experience and good connections. They know what they want and have an idea of what it takes to achieve success. They do not expect manna from heaven to fall on them. Although this possibility cannot be ruled out, because anything can happen in life.
They have time-tested friends, loved ones and loved ones nearby. Children, most likely, have already grown out of diapers and are studying at school or university. Communication with them gives 40-year-olds an amazing opportunity to understand how two generations live at once and draw conclusions from it.
Of course, a lot depends on the baggage and attitude with which a person approached this milestone. After all, it also happens that you spent two decades in the office as an assistant or junior manager.
Remember: it's not too late to change something
The most common phobias associated with the upcoming 40th anniversary relate to the thesis “too late to change something”: they won’t accept new job, nothing will work out in my personal life, I won’t understand new technologies, I won’t fit into the team... But is this really so?
In analyzing the activities of more than twenty-five thousand people, I discovered that rarely did anyone achieve outstanding success before the age of forty. Most often, they were already under fifty when they gained the required speed.
Napoleon Hill, American writer
These words are supported by many examples:
1. It was at the age of 40 that the American Henry Ford founded the famous Ford Motor Company, which successfully exists to this day. By the way, he designed his revolutionary Ford T car at the age of 45.
2. American engineer, one of the inventors of the integrated circuit, Robert Noyce, together with a colleague, founded Intel at the age of 41.
3. Harland David Sanders, known as Colonel Sanders, was considered a failure: all his businesses were failures. At the age of 40 he came up with secret recipe fried chicken, which made him and the fast food restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken famous.
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4. The founder of the famous Wal-Mart chain of stores, Sam Walton, laid the first stone in his empire at the age of 44. When he was 67 years old, Forbes magazine named Walton the richest man in America.
5. Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald's, sold paper cups until he was 52 and suffered from diabetes and arthritis. But, as he wrote in his memoirs, he “believed in the future.”
6. The star of "Pulp Fiction" and "The Avengers", actor Samuel L. Jackson became famous at the age of 43 after the release of the film "Fever", where he played, by the way, not yet the main role.
7. Kim Cattrall, the super-hot Samantha from Sex and the City, has been acting since she was 15 years old. But fame came to her when she turned 41 and became one of Carrie Bradshaw's friends.
8. The most charming killer from the film “Leon” Jean Reno woke up famous at the age of 46 (thanks to Luc Besson, who took him to the main role).
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9. Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist, became famous after 40 years, when his books began to be published in multi-million copies.
10. Julia Child wrote her first hit cookbook at age 50. And then she became a chef.
11. Christian Dior had to achieve fame for many years. Own fashion house he opened at 42 years old.
12. American Carol Gardner, aged 52, divorced her husband and was left without financial support. She got a bulldog and founded the greeting card company Zelda Wisdom. Today her business is valued at $50 million.
13. Austrian entrepreneur Dietrich Mateschitz co-founded Red Bull at the age of 40. Now, 30 years later, his fortune is estimated at almost $15 billion.
14. Vera Wang was a figure skater and journalist until she was 40, but then she decided to dramatically change her life and became a famous designer in the fashion industry.
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15. American academician and mathematician James Harris Simons, at the age of 44, left the universities where he taught and founded the private investment firm Renaissance Technologies Corporation. It is still considered the most successful hedge fund in the world.
All these people are united not by millions behind them, but by self-confidence, perseverance and healthy adventurism.
How to start a new life
- First of all, evaluate your weaknesses and strengths. What are you proud of, and what can and should be learned from you? There are now a lot of useful paid and free webinars and books on the Internet that help you master new directions and.
- Determine what exactly you want. Don’t dismiss the most adventurous options; allow yourself the desired forbidden fruit. Look at the examples above: if you want, you can achieve anything. Let your motto be the phrase “I can afford it.”
- Don't think about how others will evaluate you. This is your life.
- Forget the phrase “last chance.” It can spur on your desire to change your life as quickly as possible, which is why you will get into a lot of trouble. This is a great age for any start, be it a new business or yoga classes.
- Use your accumulated experience. After all, you have probably already mastered a valuable skill: you have learned to think first and then do.
Good afternoon
I would like to ask you a very strange question :) Probably, while I am formulating it, somewhere inside I hope that some kind of order will be established within me, and the answer will be received “by itself.”
The fact is that over the past few years I have had a growing feeling that my life, in general, is ending. I don’t see any prospects ahead, no “bonuses”, and at the same time I’m terribly afraid of death. The list of things I have to worry about and worry about is growing. To the point that almost every evening I put off going to bed, doing complete nonsense until three or four in the morning, just so as not to be nose to nose with my thoughts. It gets to the point that I get so tired of being afraid that sometimes I think - well, let me die, but THIS will end. All this gray veil in which I crawl, as if in a fog. This has nothing to do with suicide, no matter how funny it may be, you just get tired of twitching to such an extent that you don’t care anymore.
Logically speaking, this is complete nonsense, and it would be funny for me to read this if I didn’t know from the inside how disgusting it is.
I guess I should start with the fact that I am 45 years old and my health is not good. The main problem - heavy weight(about 115 kg) and severe arthrosis of large joints, especially the knees. Added to this are problems with the heart and blood pressure (so far tolerable and controlled with therapy). What you can't control is a constant headache. My head hurts often, the neurologist finds nothing, and when my head hurts, I can only do the simplest things, or I can’t do anything at all, just lie down and read or listen to a movie (it’s not always possible to watch).
The humor lies in the fact that I really love the physical activity available to me - cycling (I can ride 50-80 km in a day, if my health allows), alpine skiing; roller skates, alas, disappeared after a “skiing” injury. Something to do with speed and flight. This “movement” once occupied a large and good part of my life. But lately it has been shrinking like shagreen skin, because everything comes with very great effort and through continuous overcoming of oneself. Everything, absolutely, because even just getting out of bed in the morning hurts my knees and foot joints; then the head is connected; sometimes now also the back. I never know whether I will be able to travel even 30 km, or whether my heart or back will hurt. I have ischemia and there is a suspicion that I will need to have an operation - something like stenting of the coronary vessels. I'm not thinking about it yet.
*Catching myself* these are not complaints, they are simply a statement of fact. This is how you wrote that after your illness you felt that 10 percent of your previous physical reserves were available to you, and there was nothing you could do about it. Now I feel something similar, only with more percentages.
The second point is that I have a good job, which I can do even in a semi-invalid state. It is good because, in principle, I know everything that is needed for it, I am useful to people, and now I have an extremely relaxed schedule for money that is normal for this workload. But there is absolutely no development (for the next level I need to know a lot more in those areas where I cannot practice). I am a support, technical support in IT, with elements of administration. I really lack the knowledge to become a full-fledged administrator, and health to work as an administrator on duty (there are daily shifts, I just can’t cope with them now. A sleepless night for me means pressure, headaches and mental breakdowns over food). Everything would be fine, but over the years of very little workload, I am slowly losing the skills that I had before. With us, you can’t learn something once and then calmly go with the flow - everything changes, the software changes, the hardware changes, the technology itself changes. If I now lose my job (not because there are any complaints against me, but just now there are big changes and reorganization in the office), I simply won’t be able to handle a five-day shift in the office, and it’s still unknown whether anyone will want to take it for the job of a half-educated wight. Because I don’t have a higher education either.
The third point is that I had serious problems at home with my husband and daughter. All of mine family life, that is 20 s extra years:) Well, that is, my husband had problems (addiction), and he defeated it. This is easy to write, but not at all quick to do. For the last 8 years we have been living quietly, calmly and happily, that is, quietly and happily against the backdrop of the previous nuclear war. And no, I didn’t throw my chest at the embrasure shouting “I will save everyone,” but it was all a bit difficult. I can say that the simplest and easiest task for me over the past three years was treating my husband for hepatitis C - despite the fact that official interferon therapy cost a lot of money for us and gave only a 40% cure rate at best, and about new generation drugs Even hepatologists in the country had not heard of us. So I first gathered information from our and foreign forums, then drew up a treatment plan, then saved money (1000 euros for us is a decent amount, and the treatment cost about that much), then ordered from India medications with the risk that they would be taken away at customs, then she monitored the treatment with blood tests. For me this was simply an understandable and logical problem, completely everyday for my life.
It was much worse with the child, who, as it turned out, adolescence, there are mental problems. It came up little by little, but gradually it turned into hell. Again, the “smallest” of the difficulties were anorexia and bulimia, which did not have to be fought less than a year. I was lucky, the child remained alive and relatively physically healthy. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning - then antisocial behavior manifested itself in all its glory, I don’t want to describe it, but there was no trouble and no shit that she didn’t get into. Except, probably, in prison, but that was just luck.
It took about five years in total, but now it’s easier (thanks to psychiatrists), the child works and is somehow interested in a normal life.
Well, and my own fears - since childhood I have had a persistent fear of death, at the age of six I would lie in the evenings and count - look, I’m six, and people live to be a hundred (for some reason they thought so then), which means there are 94 left. This a lot of. Then the horror stopped making me sick.
Now, you understand, you subtract and what remains is not so rich.
About five or six years ago I began to notice that I could not relax on vacation. Every year we went to the mountains in winter to ski. Very budget-friendly, we cooked it ourselves and saved for a vacation all year. So every trip was a great holiday. And suddenly I realized that I perceive this holiday as if through a thick plastic film. For some reason I’m very tired, and I don’t have the strength to concentrate and appreciate this beauty around me. I thought - I’ll just rest, sit alone, look at the glacier - and everything will come back. But is this feeling of happiness? - it was felt rarely, rarely, like the sun through the clouds. And then I fell on the track and seriously injured my knee - I dislocated my shin and tore all four ligaments, and a rope remained from the posterior cross. Thank you for not damaging the blood vessels and nerves. And the next two years passed in operations, recovery, getting used to the new status... I got back on skis, I love them madly. I just can’t skate like I used to - it hurts, and it upsets me. I’m writing now and thinking that if they promised to return my skis in full, I would agree to any operation, even an endoprosthesis. But they won't offer it because excess weight, and because I can walk, so what else do I need.
The problem is that this “I can’t concentrate and instantly get tired” thing is now with me all the time. And I’m used to the fact that most of my life goes on in my head. I constantly think about her, no matter how funny it is, but then I have a headache, then I’m sleeping, or I just can’t do anything that requires the use of my brain.
This year I realized that I cannot go on summer vacation (we usually came to the Baltic states and rode a bicycle through forests and nature reserves). I can’t, because I don’t have the strength to organize all this. I open sites with housing - and close them, because I can’t imagine how in this state I will plan how to take my mother, that is, all this logistics is simply killing me - although planning used to be a separate pleasure. I just want to be alone and silent. Possibly with my husband. But so that nothing depends on me. Because last time, when we had a connection in Paris and the first plane was very late, everyone was cheerfully trotting along the Charles de Gaulle crossing, and I walked and cried. And I was angry with myself because normal people they don’t cry because the second plane can fly away without them. Even if their English is bad! But I couldn’t stop either - I walked and thought: what would happen to my mother (we were flying with the whole family), she would get tired and her blood pressure would rise, and how would I explain to KLM, and where would I look for luggage later, and if If you lose your skis, then it’s very expensive to buy new ones? .. as an excuse, I can say that we started to be late early in the morning (not because of us, but because of the snowfall - at first the bus, which was supposed to catch the train, was delayed, but not you get on the train - God knows how to get 200 km to Lyon, and then they started delaying the flight from Lyon, and I thought that it was easier for me to ask for political asylum here than to get home or stop freaking out).
If I was alone, I don’t care, I can sleep on the floor at the airport if I have to. But I am always responsible for everyone - visas, insurance, tickets, accommodation, connections, schedules, and one and a half words in English - this is all done and only I know, and I twitch.
This is all the more wild for me, because all my friends and all my family know me as a cheerful clown, the “life of the party,” the locomotive and engine of progress. I used to always know what I needed, where to run now, I had a plan and a million desires, it was difficult just to choose from all the wealth. People talked to me because I was a nice person. Now only the husband sees that the soul has slowly turned into a shadow of itself, but what can he do if even I myself don’t know?
And like this all the way - a relatively relaxed family, in the event of any problems, turns to me with hope every time... and lately I, like Arkady Varlamych, am absolutely unable to.
I understand that some of the problems could be solved if I could lose weight. I lose 10-15 kg, but then I gain some of it back, because food is my universal antidepressant and sedative. When I started seriously losing weight, I was 138 kg, and the current 115 is already an achievement, but I gained back to 125, and this weight loss has been going on for 8 years. Unfortunately, as a husband, I cannot quit eating for good, but the dependence is obvious. There is no strength to stop her completely.
I periodically read letters from other people, and half of the problematic authors are routinely diagnosed with depression.
For me, depression is my daughter lying on the bed facing the wall for weeks.
This is not the case for me, and I always think that I came up with a fashionable diagnosis for myself or that I am faking it, so as not to work as expected.
At the same time, I just can’t break out of the vicious circle. I am freaking out because in the near future I may lose my last parent, whom I value very much (my mother is 75 years old); I can hardly restrain myself from destroying the brains of my daughter, who is stuck in her 20s at the level of a 12-year-old child (doesn’t read books, doesn’t develop, doesn’t study, has no hobbies, doesn’t have a normal social circle, and in general I’m very worried about how she will live without our support); I'm tired of overcoming pain all the time. I’m afraid that they will kick me out of work and won’t hire me anywhere else, because my husband and I’s salaries are enough for a life (very poor), but not enough for any savings such as a pension.
I’m afraid to go to a psychiatrist because I’ve seen the results of poorly chosen antidepressants (two cases), and I see side effects in my daughter (I understand that in her case it’s better than nothing, but I’m still afraid). I shy away from psychotherapists because the prices for their services are financially prohibitive, and there are a lot of charlatans in this profession - I simply don’t trust them as a class.
And at the same time, I can’t bring myself to kick it to where I’m still interested in something. I just pull the pipes in all sorts of ways.
So here are the questions.
Tell me, please, what is life like after 45 years? Maybe I don’t have to lie around and wait for death and the next sorrows that will certainly happen?
Does it make sense to get a higher education at this age?
Is it worth it to persist at all (and for me, any new activity is stubbornness for many reasons, from health to fear of failure), or should I relax and knit socks on the sofa?
Is my depression depressing and my anxiety disorder bad enough for me to see a psychiatrist? Or is there simply no one to kick me so that I can move my fat ass and do at least something?
Sorry for the long letter. It so happened that in my family I simply have no one to discuss this with - my husband can’t do anything; my sister is as far from such problems as she can be healthy man; I don’t want to bother my mom, because she’s an even bigger worrier than I am. Friends sooner or later get tired of whining about “everything is bad with me.” And it doesn't get any better. I wish I could find at least the tip of that string with which to unwind the ball.
If you publish, it’s better anonymously, although the situation around me is quite recognizable to those who communicate with me.
Thank you.
Hello!
I'll start by answering directly posed questions.
Yes, there is life after 45. And you know what’s funny. You write that you have estimated that if you live, say, up to 100 years, and that’s how long you still have left. You state that this is not enough, you are afraid of death, and you are generally paessimistic. But I seem to be optimistic, I seem to have just recovered from my burnout, but sometimes conversations arise around me that now people live to be a hundred years old. And then how will I imagine - mommies, I’m 45, and I’ll probably have to suffer here for just as long? Oooh. I don't feel any euphoria. Well, that is. I, of course, say this not without a bit of joke and coquetry. But I still have this dark thought that I still have a lot to suffer. :-) And there’s so much more to come, and nothing gets better... (Now I’ll completely pity you.)
In fact, these dark thoughts are my main motivation to try. And not to try as before, under the motto “I will get the maximum out of myself, at any cost,” but to try to preserve my health, strength, and vital energy. Just because I think to myself: “Damn, imagine if I’m really “lucky” and I hang out here for another four decades? That’s scary!” In the sense that there is nothing worse than from this time - spending a dozen years or more in a completely unfit state. And medicine, the bitch, is moving forward - they can’t save you from this. And people live and live, but they can’t do this and that. And everyone saves them. When I was sick, I had this feeling - that I felt so bad, bad - but they wouldn’t let me die! They are treating! And they have already cured me of this, and they did that, but I survived it. The quality of life has deteriorated there, it has become more difficult here - but I still walk, breathe, function. There’s not even any reason to complain, I can do a lot more. Well, yes, it’s very bad, hard and painful - but that’s how it turned out. And then I began to understand that if this continues, then I will live for a long time, but the main question here is how! I'm not chasing quantity of life, but quality. I would wish for myself to live, maybe not so long, but always in more or less good condition. But we can wish for a lot of things, but life has its own way. Therefore, just in case we have to live for a long time, regardless of other circumstances, there is a huge motivation to preserve as much health and strength as possible. Is not it so?
I suggest you consider the situation in the same vein. :-) I hope you can now catch a positive note in this unkind sentence, but: “You are not afraid to die! Be afraid to live badly for a long time!” What I mean is that the number of years and days is not the main thing here. The main thing is the quality of life that we have every day that we live.
It follows from this that we need to take care of ourselves, restore, heal and make ourselves happy.
You actually described such a biography. It's no wonder you don't have the strength to do anything at all. Or rather, it’s surprising that you took it all on yourself for so long! And by the way, I think that you were so injured on this last vacation precisely because at that moment you no longer needed any vacation. And you didn’t have to perform any sporting feats, organize anything, or go somewhere. I should have been lying down and resting for a long time. Because vacation can bring a lot of joy - but not when you barely have enough vitality to simply live, and everything seems difficult. Here, a vacation is a bunch of extra tasks, worries, a waste of energy...
To answer the next question: there is no need to lie around and wait for death. This is such an ass, if you think about it. If you lie down and wait to die, you will lie there for a looooong time. And everything will get worse and worse, and the further you go, the more you will feel that it is no longer possible to get up, but it will also be impossible to lie down any longer. You need to stay away from these closed circles of hell as long as possible!
Accordingly, it is better not to lie down, but to be treated.
And yes, your depression is probably severe enough to be worthy of any appropriate therapy! Lying facing the wall is just a variation. Moving your body doesn't necessarily make your depression less or easier, it's just different.
And you write that you can’t ride a bike because you’re afraid that you won’t even be able to travel 30 km. I immediately recognize our brother - a man who is used to “doing things this way”! I was the same - it also seemed to me that I had already lifted 90 kg, after which it was shameful and disgraceful to do morning exercises “two bends - three squats”. But there are vases in life when you cannot do more than three tilts. If you can't do 30 km, ride five! Yes, I know what a 5K bike ride is. Take a ride alone! Or just leave the house and walk around the block - 20 minutes. Just a step. If in 20 days Shan becomes more cheerful, great, but if he doesn’t, then it’s too early. I went through this, and I know what it sounds like and what it feels like. But you just need to accept the fact that you have really broken yourself (and others helped), and now you have no time for exploits. But we must move! At least a little bit.
And about food: I immediately hear a classic logical error. (And she is also familiar to me firsthand). You write that it’s good for a drug addict who is on drugs on which life does not depend - he’s completely quit, he’s not even getting close, and this is the way out. But they say you can’t give up food completely (if you write like that, it means you’re toying with the idea that quitting food forever would be a solution), but as long as you eat even a little of it, it’s always getting out of control. In fact, the task here needs to be formulated differently. :-) Don't stop eating, but learn to eat food for what it is intended for. Your food is an antidepressant. But you need food to become food (and you eat it because of hunger, and not for other reasons), and you need to look for another antidepressant. And reduce the overall level of depression so that it is not needed so often and as much. By the way, this is a reason to try pills and a doctor.
And after 45 you can study, live, have fun, and enjoy life! But first you need to gain strength. Because it sounds like you don't have the resources for anything like that right now. Try (yes, it sounds banal and set the teeth on edge) to throw more tasks and worries off your shoulders. You drag your family here and here. But if you completely break down under all this, it won’t be better for them either. They are all adults! Remember this! If they really need to go on vacation, they will pack up and go. And if they don’t get their act together, that means it’s not what they need. Don't bother with such difficult tasks. Sit down, go to the doctor, take a little walk. Try doing this damn exercise, although it’s a bit boring and seems frivolous. Turn on any Zumba on YouTube and wave your arms to it for 10 minutes. This is not just “better than nothing” - it will really help you. It will improve your mood for a couple of minutes and will stir you up a little, but will not harm you. And it is harmful for you to perform sports feats in your condition.
Even in such severe conditions, it helps to swim and do exercises in the water. Give it a try. If you can’t do it for long, no one will keep you in the water there. And if you manage to wallow there for 15 minutes, it will be useful. All problems of the musculoskeletal system are well treated in water, and there you can get the load needed for weight loss without putting stress on the joints. In short, I wish you to get your health in order. I wish you patience for this, because it won’t happen in five minutes. I wish you to be determined and go to the doctor with this (your problems are worthy of a doctor, really!). And then, when everything gets better and you have more strength, I wish you to find yourself a lot more interesting things and pleasures for the next 40 years!
“Living for yourself” - what is it, anyway? How is this, in general? And, most importantly, why? When I was young, I had absolutely no time for myself. But the children grew up, and suddenly it came, this time... Another half of your life - for yourself... And what to do with it?
Almost a year ago, a significant event happened for me - I turned 45. And six months earlier we celebrated my daughter’s 18th birthday. What do these events mean in the life of the average Russian woman, who is used to working hard all her life at work and at home, raising children, revolving around her husband and living her whole life for someone else?
This means that “the duty is done” and it’s time to “live for yourself”, something I once heard from my mother when I was young. But her words didn’t reach me then. “Living for yourself” - what is it, anyway? How is this, in general? And, most importantly, why? Then I had no time for myself at all. But the children grew up, and suddenly it came, this time... Another half of your life - for yourself... And what to do with it?
I'm 45, my daughter is 18.
It just so happened that I was always in a hurry to live. And when last year I found myself at this point, I suddenly realized that I had already managed to do everything... Only half of my conscious life had passed, and already a diploma with a career, and three marriages, and a son and daughter, and even grandchildren ! At the same time (my poor children!) - a lot of personal growth training, vegetarianism, separate meals, fasting, Ayurveda, yoga, tantra, “Eye of Revival” and “Beloyar” and much more. Relationships with relatives spoiled on this basis, moving from the metropolis for permanent residence in the Altai Territory, returning and establishing relationships, re-integrating oneself into the urban environment. And in the process of all this fuss - the final loss of oneself. And then several years of searching and studying the real me, and a growing desire to share all my acquired experience with people. Only dreams of a strong family and a cozy home, a kind of “quiet haven” for descendants, remained dreams. Well, you need to do something for the remaining half of your life!
I'm 45... Already? Total!
So far from Heaven...
Lived and lived, and nothing...
And youth again! Second!
So, last year I turned 45 and my daughter turned 18. This means that I have fulfilled my parental duty, and the responsibility for raising children has been removed from me. I would like to note that I clearly felt this metamorphosis. It was a very strange feeling, since I lived inseparably from parental responsibility for 25 years in a row - from the moment my son was born until my daughter came of age. And now - all of a sudden, she’s gone... A very strange state... But nature does not tolerate emptiness, and the vacated space had to be occupied with something. I’ve read before that many women have a hard time with their children growing up: some have new children, some get divorced, some, on the contrary, get married, some start going to church... In general , whoever can, has fun against the backdrop of stress. And this is stress, and very serious, - I tested it myself. Having read all sorts of passions on this topic, I began to get scared in advance: “Children are growing up. And what will I do when they grow up?
A joke came to mind:
The Georgian got divorced, walks and is sad: “Adyn, adyn, savsem adyn...” He stopped and thought: “Adyn, adyn, savsem adyn?” He scratched the back of his head and ran on, skipping: “Adyn, adyn, absolutely adyn!!!”
That's how it is here. In any life change there is always a moment of happiness, you just need to see it! As life wisdom says: “If it seems to you that your whole life is falling apart, something beautiful is trying to enter it.” And I confirm that at the third stage of the process “Adyn, adyn, absolutely adyn!!!” life is absolutely beautiful!
The process of fitting myself into a new reality began with an inventory of my entire conscious life..
Going back 25 years ago, I asked myself questions: “What was I aiming for? What did you dream about? What has been postponed?“
And then she looked at her current self again: “What have I achieved? Which of these did I really need? What do I objectively still lack? And globally - who am I now, and how can I be useful to the world around me? How can I apply my experience?“
And most importantly - “Why did the most dreamed thing remain unattained for me?”
Since the real goals and true face of any person can be very simply determined by his affairs and friends, my self-inventory began with my social circle and favorite activities. As a result, several lists appeared that had to be checked - is it really all mine? And is it your favorite? Or did it just happen historically? A year later, the bottom line was that “my” and “beloved” three groups stood out: “Creativity”, “Movement” and “Communication”.
The most difficult thing was with “Communication”. As an open and responsive person, my social circle was quite extensive. At the same time, the idea of “who is who?” is very vague... I always liked to communicate and be useful to people, so I simply did not ask myself such questions. To classify all my acquaintances, I first needed to understand: which of them are my friends, which are my buddies, and which are just acquaintances? My vague ideas cleared up after about six months, when life, in response to my request, put everything in its place. Friends clearly stood out, social circles based on interests were defined, and various acquaintances faded into the background. The main topics for communication with everyone were revealed, and the goals of this communication also became clear. And some, by the way, fell out of this circle. And I was also very pleased that my children and some of their friends were in the first line of my social circle. This means that I have time to live in the rhythm of modern and rapidly changing life!
Now about the “Movement”. This is a VERY important moment for me, since my element is “air”, and movement is energy and youth. It seems to me that as soon as I stop moving, I will immediately grow old. So, in my arsenal I have all my favorite physical activities available. Every day - walks through the forest, to our Siberian “sea” and just around my favorite town. Regularly - cycling, if possible - hiking anywhere in nature. A must - ice skating and skiing in winter, swimming in summer and a swimming pool - at any time of the year. And further the dream of my life- my favorite Latin American dances (but about them separately). In addition, there are a lot of trips - on business trips, to visit friends in a neighboring city, to visit parents in the village, to the Altai Mountains, to salt lakes, to dance festivals, etc. and so on. Travel helps keep you light-hearted and fresh in your perception.
Regarding “Creativity”, this was the easiest part of my inventory, since creativity is always associated with talents and, accordingly, is always with me. My talents are comic poems, notes and articles, nature photos, inventing games with children, tasty food, knitting and total decluttering.
In addition, creative work on myself - various intellectual marathons, flash mobs and other methods of self-knowledge, such as a hundred days, which I gladly participated in. My profession is improving processes and introducing changes in enterprises (process analyst and implementation project manager) - this is also creativity! All these favorite activities create additional opportunities. Funny poems opened up my circle of contacts with poets and musicians. Notes about life gave access to “Life is interesting!”, into the world of people with similar views on life. All this taken together creates such conditions that I constantly go somewhere, change something in my life and help someone with something. And all this makes me happy!
Now about dancing. I love Latin! This is something that was not on my lists before the inventory, but after asking myself the question, “What have I always wanted to do, but never had the opportunity?” I managed to unearth a childhood dream and take it seriously. At the moment, after two years of training, I dance Cuban salsa, Dominican bachata and Brazilian forro more or less passably. A little more - Cuban dream, rumba and merengue. Dancing in my life is “three in one” - “Creativity”, “Movement” and “Communication”.
This is a good mood, this is summer all year round, this is flexibility and plasticity, interaction in pairs and fiery music. And many, many more “hugs” and incredible emotions! By the way, as it turns out, this is an excellent anti-stress after a divorce. And also - trips to various festivals and master classes, new people, different culture, language practice. I would like to sincerely wish every person to have a similar hobby that unites the areas of life that are important to them!
A year and a half after my daughter’s 18th birthday, my “life for myself” became a reality. And now, in order to get everything done, I can’t imagine a day without a plan.
But in life there are also simply pleasant pleasures - going to the cinema or theater, having lunch with your daughter in a cafe, sitting by the stormy “sea” at sunset, listening to the sounds of the forest at dawn, making your home cozy, playing with children, and even taking a walk with cat! And yet, something new naturally began to regularly appear in my life, for which there was always an empty space left in the diary...
Life became so full that one day, after not finding me at home several times, my daughter’s best friend said: “Your mother leads more active life“than you and me” and went to America for work & travel. And my daughter started running to the stadium early in the morning, went to study to become a florist, took up food photography and remembered her childhood modeling past, and this despite having two jobs... I think that my girl, upon reaching the milestone, will not have the question: “There is Is there life after 45?”