I will be a grandmother how to behave. Secrets of family relationships: how to be a good grandmother. Combine love not only for grandchildren, but also for children
No matter how much you would like to always remain young, age makes itself felt. Children grow up, they have babies, and now you are already a grandmother. How to be a good grandmother? First of all, you need to come to terms with this role. And then try to become not just a family member for your grandchildren, but their best friend.
And then they will come to you for advice, they will tell you about their problems. Just don’t try to replace their mother, after all, these are not your sons and daughters.
Combine love not only for grandchildren, but also for children
Often grandmothers turn all their attention to their grandchildren, and forget about their sons and daughters. Don’t repeat this mistake, try not to deprive anyone of your love and affection, because adults also need them. But don’t try to live only for your grandchildren and children, don't forget about yourself either, you are also a full-fledged person.
Conflicts are given to us to learn
A person comes to this gradually, with age. So you, having become a grandmother, probably already understood, that conflicts can also be beneficial, the main thing is not only to quickly eliminate them, but also to learn so as not to encounter such problems again. In addition, you have the opportunity to get to know your relatives better.
Grow above yourself
Just because you've already lived most of your life doesn't mean you need to stop improving. There are examples when people studied at universities already in old age and completed them successfully. So you should increase your experience, your knowledge, not only those related to various sciences, but also everyday ones. Only a woman who is wise in everyday life can call herself a truly good grandmother.
Share your experience
You have accumulated a considerable amount of knowledge, and now it’s time to start gradually pass on your knowledge to your children and grandchildren. Do it with joy, because your knowledge is your wealth. Is it bad to share your wealth with the people you love?
Let's go back to parenting
As already stated, There is no way to replace a mother for grandchildren, after all, it is she who must raise them and make them good people. But you can help her with this, use her as an example when kids act out. Another mistake many grandmothers make: they love their grandchildren so much that they sometimes allow them even what their parents forbid.. Here Under no circumstances should this be done. You will become an authority for your grandchildren - this is great, but at too high a price. In this case, the parents of your grandchildren, on the contrary, will lose their authority.
R Having a baby, especially in a newlywed family, is a serious test for mom and dad. But there are two important people who seriously influence the course of events - these are new grandmothers. Even if one grandmother actively intervenes in the upbringing process, her help can have double consequences.
The arrival of a newborn always a joyful event for the whole family. And young parents, of course, need help to get used to their new role with the least amount of difficulty. But some adult mothers believe that “children” cannot cope on their own. They authoritarianly determine what and how, and often they try to transfer the young mother into the role of nurse.
It’s even worse if two grandmothers use the appearance of their grandchildren as a reason to compete with each other. And then grandmothers overprotect young parents. They shower them with gifts, advice, and impose their presence. But in this competition, the original noble mission is forgotten - helping one’s children, helping a young woman master motherhood. Instead, the older generation tries to play major roles in the child's life.
Subconsciously, the young grandmother is trying to relive her motherhood once again. Tactile contact with a newborn helps to return oneself to the emotional state already experienced in youth. Communication with a small child makes it possible to once again feel like a young mother.
But the birth of a child redistributes roles. A young woman, settling into the role of a mother, tries to grow out of the role of a “child.” The grandmother, using her life experience, begins to conquer leadership positions. This can be an open “power grab”, or it can be a subtle game using skillful manipulation.
Grandma loves it more! Grandma's child eats better! Grandma knows everything! Grandma's child is not sick!– this is how grandmothers explain their active intervention in a young family.
It’s good if the child doesn’t suffer in this game. That is, the grandmother still approaches health issues wisely, healthy eating and discipline. But if the role of leader in raising a child becomes an end in itself for the grandmother, the child suffers or turns into a moral monster. It all depends on the forms of manifestation of grandmother’s love and care.
Children are excellent intuitives; they very quickly understand the meaning of confrontation between adults and begin to use the situation to their advantage. Already at four or five years old, a child can get his way through blackmail or flattery. It’s even worse if the child begins to speculate on his feelings. "You are bad! I love grandma more!” “Grandma, if you don’t buy it for me... it means you don’t love me!”
At first, the child’s manipulations cause a smile: “Wow! Tough for the weather!” But the years go by, and the child grows up. And over time, his “cute” pranks turn into character traits and qualities, into his life position. Adults must foresee the consequences of their current actions.
How to become an ideal grandmother?
- Accept yourself as a grandmother. It is grandmothers who are the mothers of a child who also has a child! Remember yourself when you experienced the birth of your baby, how did you feel? What did you need, what did you fear, what did you want? Tell the new mother about this, but explain to her that this is just your experience. It may or may not be useful to her, because all children are different. It is important to show the young mother that you are ready to help her, but at the same time recognize her right to choose and make decisions.
- In this case, you will not need to impose your opinion. Mommy herself will begin to consult with you.
- Ideal grandma is a faithful ally of young parents in raising their child. Sometimes it seems that parents are doing their upbringing completely wrong. But this is their child! They decided to bring him into the world, they are responsible for him, they convey to him their vision of the world, they must live their own parental experience And, if you do not agree on something, you must seek a compromise with them. It is necessary to discuss disagreements and present clear arguments.
- Actions “contrary” to a child lead to confrontation between adults. The child is very uncomfortable in the role of “subject of dispute”, and he suffers in his own way. Or, as stated above, the child joins the game, but uses the situation for his own purposes. He seeks to use adults for his own benefit.
- Never try to make decisions instead of your parents. The child should know that parents are the “highest authority” for him. Under no circumstances should you discuss parents with your child or give them a negative assessment. Moreover, it is unacceptable to allow a child to do what his parents prohibit, but at the same time say, “grandmother will allow it, but don’t tell your parents.” This behavior is unacceptable, because the child receives a clear example of deception and cunning. And if these qualities become entrenched in the child, one day the grandmother will find herself deceived and used.
- Parents always have time. They earn money, but they want to live actively, and this is normal. Therefore, they cannot always listen to the child. They do not always notice their mistakes and mistakes. Ideal grandma can smooth out these contradictions. To do this, it is important to remain neutral. You can explain the behavior of adults to a child by finding the positive side in it. Parents can be explained what may be causing their disagreements with their child. Grandma has more patience and more worldly experience. Therefore, the role of an arbitrator, establishing peace within the walls of the house, is the best mission that a grandmother can take on. Learn to be a diplomat!
- Initially, set yourself the task of becoming a friend of your own little man. See the world through his eyes. Don't try to teach him something, but let him LEARN. Children are endowed great strength. They understand little, but they feel a lot. They easily find the right solution using their intuition. Therefore, you can learn a lot by observing children. Share his interests, and do not impose yours, this way you will win more love and trust of the little person.
I hope these adviсe will help the young grandmothers avoid some mistakes. Some women take the word grandmother with fear. But other grandmothers are proud that they are mistaken for mothers, and correct them - I am a GRANDMOTHER! You can play any role in such a way that others will appreciate your merits. Being a grandmother - a confidant of a new member of your family - is cool, believe me! This is another gift prepared for a woman.
The summer season will begin soon, and grandparents will have much more trouble. After all, many parents dream of sending their children to the dacha for the summer, or even better, to the village with the people who raised them, and to whom they can entrust the most precious thing - their children.
But this is the joy of most older people. As a rule, their concerns are connected not only with the garden, flower garden and vegetable garden, but also with raising their grandchildren.
However, grandparents are not just people walking with their grandchildren on the street. They, as a rule, know a lot of wisdom that helps in the process of raising children.
What should parents take into account to avoid earning a reputation as annoying old men?
1. Birth of a child. The event is wonderful and solemn. Grandparents may really want to see the heir in the very first minutes of his life, but it is extremely important that the visit to the hospital takes place only after an invitation, because this holiday is primarily for the parents.
2. Clothes. Maybe you think that the newborn will look incredible in the suit you have chosen, but parents may have a different opinion. Therefore, there is no need to insist that the baby wear what you brought.
3. It is likely that the mother of the newborn gained weight during pregnancy and is now thinking about losing weight. You should not start a conversation on this topic. It is also not recommended to give advice on choosing a name. You should not clean the house of a young family before its members return from the hospital, unless you are asked to do so.
4. Ignore parents' demands for hygiene. It may seem ridiculous to ask you to wash your hands frequently or get a flu shot, but it is better to follow these requests. Otherwise, you may be denied access to your baby, or at least not allowed to see him often.
5. Hold crying baby when he rushes to his parents. If parents raise an already grown-up child in a certain way, do not violate this discipline, even if you disagree with a number of points.
6. Inculcate the habit of sleeping in unsafe positions. Perhaps your own children slept on their stomachs, and their cribs were full of toys and blankets, but your grandson's parents may be against this, so don't argue with them.
7. Tell your parents whether they should stay at home or go to work. Keep your opinion on this issue to yourself.
8. Raise your grandchildren like your own children. Your now adult child probably has a different opinion on this matter.
9. Violate the instructions for potty training your baby. This may be the most difficult period, but the rules established in the family must be followed. You don't want a five-year-old still running around in diapers, do you?
10. Baptize a child without the knowledge of the parents. In general, do not impose any traditions on a young family.
11. Giving your child unhealthy treats; no need to stuff him with sweets at the slightest opportunity. What about ice cream, doctors do not recommend eating it every day, plus such indulgence can make it difficult for children to return to a healthy diet.
12. Teach grandchildren without agreeing with their parents on the degree of usefulness of the advice. Your life experience will probably give you a lot of clues about how to behave in a given situation, but parents should familiarize themselves with what you want to offer your little relative.
13. Break the rules of sleep. Yes, it is quite difficult to put a child to bed on time, but you cannot allow them to stay up late.
14. Leave the baby's haircut to the parents. This is especially true for first haircuts.
15. Criticize parents behind their backs. Perhaps, in your opinion, your children make mistakes when raising their offspring. However, this does not mean that you can talk about this to your grandchildren.
16. Taking a grandchild, without asking the parents first, to an event where a significant event will take place in the child’s life. Parents will probably want to do this themselves.
17. Give unsolicited advice about feeding. There are pros and cons to both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. Let young parents make their own decisions.
18. Resort to alternative medicine. If parents see you, for example, putting potatoes in your baby's socks to ease teething, and the baby cries, don't be surprised that you are no longer asked to be a nanny.
19. Encourage or tolerate bad behavior. By following the lead of your grandchildren, you complicate the upbringing process for their parents.
20. Allowing you to watch TV or sit in front of a computer monitor for a long time. Parents will tell you how much time is allocated for such entertainment, and when you can do it. All you have to do is obey.
21. Criticize food choices. Since the parents of their grandchild also prefer fruits, or give their children organic food, you should not express your opinion. At the very least, discuss this privately with your children.
22. Buying clothes without consulting. There will still be time to please your grandchildren with new clothes, but you can lose this opportunity if you ignore the parents’ opinion on this matter in the first years of the baby’s life.
23. Show excessive attention to the appearance of your grandchildren. Nothing unusual about approving new hairstyle grandson or praise for dressing up for a holiday. However, if you focus too much on appearance, it can lead to an obsession in your child, and you will be to blame!
24. Shower your grandchildren with gifts. New toy for a birthday, New Year or any other holiday – good. But if your grandchild receives a gift every time you come to visit him, your parents will likely ask you to stop.
25. Ask for family celebrations. Not every family event that is connected in one way or another with a grandchild is worth coming to. Wait for the invitation.
26. Allow. You need to understand that keeping a pet is a responsible occupation, plus it requires constant expenses. Therefore, in this matter it is definitely necessary to listen to the opinion of the child’s parents.
27. Compare grandchildren and parents. It may seem to you that compared to their parents, your grandchildren are just angels, but still avoid comparing the former with the latter.
28. Imposing your opinion on holiday traditions. Not all young families want to follow religious or cultural traditions parents.
29. Force you to eat everything on your plate. Poor nutrition is linked to childhood obesity. Why force your baby to eat when he is already full?
30. Repeat your parenting mistakes. It is not at all necessary to raise your grandchildren in exactly the same manner in which you raised your children.
31. Allow grandchildren to do things that their parents forbid them to do. Since parents insist, for example, that you should wear a Panama hat on the beach, and that makeup and tattoos are prohibited, you should listen.
32. Find out the secrets of your parents. Just know that the grandson will tell dad and mom about who wanted to hear from him and what.
33. Pick out favorites. Perhaps you love one of your grandchildren more than the others, so don’t show it.
34. Promise more than you are able to deliver. Empty promises will disappoint children.
36. Demonstrate bad habits. Smoking, drinking and swearing in front of your grandson is strongly discouraged, because you are setting an example for him.
37. Try to replace parents. Perhaps you and your grandson share a special bond. However, remember that you are not the parent.
Guys, we put our soul into the site. Thank you for that
that you are discovering this beauty. Thanks for the inspiration and goosebumps.
Join us on Facebook And In contact with
When a child appears in a young family, many grandmothers begin to offer their help in caring for and raising the baby. The only pity is that they rarely follow the instructions left by moms and dads before leaving for work. Against this background, conflicts often brew. In the pedagogical techniques of older parents, there are always a number of concessions for which they themselves can be “put in a corner.”
website only for generational contact. But still, we decided to consider the reasons why it is better to raise children on our own, without enlisting the support of grandparents.
1. Outdated child care techniques
Previously, children were bathed at a temperature of 37 degrees, but now they are hardened from the cradle and bathed at 33-34 degrees and even lower. In the Soviet Union, children were fed cow's milk and given juices. Now there are milk formulas that contain all the necessary vitamins. Previously, they taught that it was necessary to swaddle tightly. But think: is there at least one living creature on the planet that does not allow its cub to move? Despite this, grandma will, of course, follow the beaten path and not listen to your “nonsense from the Internet.”
What to do: Don’t be afraid to argue and explain that life has changed a lot now and much of what was right in the past has become meaningless. Set the condition that if the grandmother wants to participate in the care process, then she must do so according to the new rules.
2. Imposing your own model of upbringing
Educational methods that were adopted 30 years ago are significantly different from modern ones. Today's grandparents were kept in strictness. When they gave birth to their children, it was widely believed that a child should not be picked up, otherwise it would be “tamed” and should be ignored, as if the newborn would scream and calm down. Therefore, they still underestimate the importance of showing warmth and love in their relationship with their baby.
What to do: Parents better install it right away rules communication with your child for everyone who takes part in his life. Those must be formulated extremely clearly, and everyone must follow them: if the rule applies to one grandmother, then the second too.
3. Spoiled
Grandmothers have one sin: they spoil their grandchildren. For example, in a family in which a child is growing up, it may be customary for each family member to clear away the dishes after dinner. While at grandma's, the child may hear that this does not need to be done: the elders are ready to do everything themselves. So the baby gets into dissonance and does not understand how to behave: people who are significant to him demand different things from him.
What to do: It is important to discuss what parents allow when communicating with their child, and what is strictly prohibited. If grandma’s point of view does not seem correct, then you can bring clippings from articles, show books by authoritative authors and prove why it should be done this way and not otherwise. It should work, because ultimately she is driven primarily by her love for the baby.
4. Control of family life
When helping with a child, a grandmother may involuntarily turn her attention to your personal family life. She begins to be interested in absolutely everything: cooking, shopping, hanging out. She may express her dissatisfaction with the fact that the mother works too much and does not spend enough quality time with her offspring: “Why are you playing and not reading?”
The older generation usually has its own view on raising children and allows itself to express this in front of their grandchildren. Imagine the situation: the children are playing around, the mother is trying to calm them down and threatens to leave them without sweets because of their behavior. And then the grandmother stands between the mother and the children with the comment: “Don’t listen to mom! Stop being a mess and let’s go get some ice cream.” Authority is lost: children see that their parents are being reprimanded, and do not value their words. This creates a risk of developing problem behavior.
What to do: Agree that all complaints and comments should be voiced without the presence of the baby.
6. An example that slows down a child
Because they are too busy, some parents leave their children with their grandmother for a long time, thinking that this will be better for them. But children learn by copying the behavior of adults. If mom and dad disappear at work, and the baby is left with grandma, then work will be the reason for the baby not to see the people closest to him. And if adults also complain about how tired they are, then the child himself will not like to work.
What to do: Try to adjust your work schedule and be around your children more often. During your absence during the day, you can ask your grandmother to sit with your grandson, but take the child home whenever possible. If the baby grows up with his parents, then over time a connection will be established in his head between their hard work and the subsequent joy of meeting. In a situation where he spends more time with his grandparents, only occasionally seeing his mom and dad, he will form the opinion that he is a burden to his parents.
7. Making responsible decisions
The process of caring for a child always requires making very serious decisions. And if mom and dad don’t do this, then grandma takes over. And her upbringing is characterized by increased care, bordering on pathology.
What to do: Parents must take full responsibility for the happiness and health of the baby. Since you ask not to do something - not to feed, not to clothe, not to give, not to buy - then provide everything necessary. Grandma is ready to dress her - tell me what. Ready to feed - tell me what, at what temperature, in what quantity.
8. Overprotection of the child
A grandmother may wrap her grandson in several layers of clothing in warm weather; don’t go for a walk with him, because he might run away, and she’s afraid of not catching up; Do his homework for him or do some chores for him. She definitely wants to help, but by doing so she condemns her parents to new problems. After all, growing up in such conditions is much more difficult for their child.
What to do: Invite your elders to spend time in your home, and let them observe from the outside how the child behaves in front of you, what responsibilities he has around the house, and ask them to maintain these rules in their (grandparents) house too.
9. Overfeeding
According to research, most children who are in the full-time care of grandparents have an increased risk of obesity compared to those who live with their parents. Compassionate elderly people are easily manipulated by smart little ones. They know that if they act up and shed a tear, they will immediately be given forbidden food.
Do grandparents in your family spend time with their grandchildren?
To succeed in your new role, you need to bury the hatchet, resolve problems in your relationship with your children, and get rid of negative feelings that have likely been building up for years.
Think about all the claims, prejudices, attacks of jealousy. It's never too late to try to resolve past conflicts - from fundamental disagreements to simple misunderstandings. Your goal is lasting peace. This is the only way you can become a part of your grandson’s life, and when he grows up, set an example of healthy relationships between loved ones.
“My daughter-in-law always had a lot of rules for me,” recalls 53-year-old Maria. “I was outraged by her attitude.” Then my grandson appeared. When I held him in my arms for the first time, I realized that I had to make a choice. Now I smile at my daughter-in-law whether I agree with her or not, because I don't want her to have a reason to keep me away from my grandson. He was about three years old when we were rising from the basement and he suddenly took my hand. “I’m holding your hand not because I need it,” he said proudly, “but because I love you.” Moments like these are worth biting your tongue.”
2. Respect your children's rules
The arrival of a baby changes everything radically. It can be difficult to accept that you now have to play by your children's (and your daughter-in-law's) rules, but your new position dictates that you follow their lead. Even when your grandson is visiting you, you should not behave differently. Your children and their partners have their own opinions, points of view, systems and parenting styles. Let them set their own boundaries of what is allowed for the child.
Parenting in the 21st century is different than it was a generation ago. Modern parents get information from the Internet, social networks and forums. Your advice may seem old-fashioned, and perhaps it is. Wise grandparents act with caution and deliberately demonstrate respect for new, unfamiliar ideas.
Let new parents know that you understand how scared and tired they are right now, and that any worried new parent feels the same way. Be friendly and let your presence help them relax a little. This will affect the child, who will also become calmer. Remember that your grandson always benefits from such behavior.
3. Don't let your ego get in your way.
We feel slighted if our words don't carry as much weight as they once did, but expectations need to be adjusted. When (and if) you give advice, don't insist. Better yet, wait to be asked.
Research shows that when grandparents hold their grandchild for the first time, they become flooded with the “love hormone” oxytocin. Similar processes occur in the body of a young mother who is breastfeeding. This suggests that your connection with your grandchild is very important. It’s also important to understand that you are now the chief operating officer, not the executive. You'll have to accept it, because your grandchildren need you.
Representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson
A study conducted by the University of Oxford found that children who have grandparents involved in their upbringing tend to be happier. In addition, they more easily cope with the consequences of such difficult events as parental separation and illness. Also, representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson.
Lisa was the first daughter of two successful and therefore terribly busy lawyers. The older brothers teased and humiliated the girl so much that she gave up trying to learn anything. “My grandmother saved me,” the girl admitted a week before receiving her doctorate. “She sat with me on the floor for hours and played games that I never tried to learn. I thought I was too stupid for this, but she was patient, encouraging, and I stopped being afraid of learning something new. I started to believe in myself because my grandmother kept telling me that I can achieve anything if I try.”
Adapting to the unusual role of a grandparent is not easy, sometimes unpleasant, but it is always worth the effort!