Advice from a psychologist on how to behave if your husband leaves the family. How to survive your husband leaving for another husband left because of family life
When a husband leaves the family, most women experience this with hysterics and depression. However, it is important to understand that life does not end there. With the right behavioral tactics, you can protect yourself from a stressful state and get out of the current situation with dignity.
From the article you will learn what causes a husband to leave his wife, how to react if a spouse proposes a divorce, and what behavior to adhere to in order to separate with dignity. In addition, you will get acquainted with the advice of experienced psychologists: how to behave after a divorce, should you try to get your spouse back?
How to survive a blow, how to understand that a man has left home forever, what to do and how to behave if he has left home ex-wife or mistress?
You shouldn’t think that they only leave bad wives. Even if a woman is ideal as a mistress and mistress, her husband can easily leave her. Men often exhibit selfish behavior towards loving wives.
A good reason to end a marriage usually lies in the man’s damaged pride. A husband may become fixated on an inadvertently thrown offensive word and want to leave the family for this reason.
Men leave the family in the following situations:
There are rare cases when a man left home in search of loneliness and silence. This can happen after a quarrel, then the man does not call and turns off the phone. If you had a fight, he may return after some time on his own, but for now he can live with his mother or relatives. If the quarrel is strong, the husband may want to live separately. In this case, you should not rush him to return.
However, in most situations, the husband leaves not for nowhere, but for another woman, and it is important for you to survive this with dignity.
Often she is in no way superior to her spouse, but a man can live comfortably and calmly with her, work, and do any business. This happens if the new chosen one does not have excessive demands, the goal of changing the man for herself, she does not make him guilty of anything.
If a man insists on divorce, it is better to adhere to certain tactics. Here are some tips from psychologists on what to do if your husband leaves home:
- don’t try to hold on with tears and pleas, it’s pointless;
- when saying goodbye, you need to remain calm and friendly;
- be sure to say words of gratitude for the years that you lived together, remember the brightest and most pleasant moments life together;
- take care of appearance: You can’t let a man see you tear-stained and unkempt, let him see what a gorgeous woman he’s depriving himself of.
Under no circumstances pretend to be a victim, even if you really want to make people feel sorry for you. Tears and pleas will have the opposite effect - the man will want to run away quickly so as not to hear the lamentations. Detachment and independence can cause the husband to doubt the correctness of his actions.
Tears and pleas can only make the situation worse. What should you do after your spouse leaves you?
The man left, leaving his ex-wife alone. A woman’s further behavior is influenced by a specific situation. For example, if he left his family not because of a new lover, the woman’s tactics should be as follows:
- attend common companies or parties where you can meet your ex-spouse, and you need to look great;
- call your spouse into the house for the remaining things, at the same time unobtrusively remind him how warm and cozy it was for you in this very house;
- If you have children together, there is no need to prohibit the father from seeing them; on the contrary, you should invite him to spend time with them as often as possible, focusing on family values;
- If a man has been seriously offended, he will have to correct the situation not only with an apology: he must show repentance through words and actions.
If a man leaves, this does not mean that you have completely broken up. It's another matter if he has already met a new love. Then, in order to improve the relationship, you will have to try:
- do not make unflattering statements about the homewrecker;
- Prepare carefully for every meeting with your ex-husband in order to amaze him with your beauty;
- If possible and desired, find a boyfriend to make your spouse jealous;
- act with detachment and coldness so that the man does not guess about your inner pain.
If a man cannot make up his mind and alternates between leaving and returning, and this lasts for many months, the woman needs to firmly determine her position. Explain that you don’t feel the need for a guest marriage, because you can meet another man and not wait for your ex-husband all your life.
Throwing is a sign that he is not ready to decide on a divorce.
Also, the husband has not made a final decision on divorce if he hesitates to file documents for divorce. Don't rush him into applying, it's better to start sending sweet messages sometimes, as if you're meeting him by chance. Such moments can make a man think that getting a divorce is stupid.
Is it worth returning?Before returning a departed man, a woman should think carefully about whether it is worth taking this step.
- It should be remembered that if the husband left once, this may happen again;
- You need to fight for marriage only if the partners still love each other;
- a man who has offended his wife by betrayal or other meanness should be forgiven only if absolutely necessary;
- after a man leaves and returns, it is impossible to restore the previous trusting relationship with him;
- it will take time to establish a connection, and there is a high chance that it will be wasted.
If you love a man very much, you should try to get him back
It is worth returning the cheater to the family when the spouse knows that the betrayal was accidental and is ready to forget about it. It is also important for the wife to realize that, to some extent, she herself encouraged the betrayal by her behavior.
Changes in the woman herself and in her attitude towards her husband can save the marriage. It will take great patience, tact and the ability to analyze old mistakes so as not to repeat them again.
To gradually correct the situation and return the man, you can resort to the following actions:
Meeting with ex-partner, you should act as if nothing happened. The grooming, neatness, and poise of an abandoned wife will not go unnoticed. If a man visits his ex-wife’s house, you need to create an atmosphere of comfort and care around him. The slightest discomfort will disrupt all plans. Feeling a desire to restore relationships, you need to perceive this situation as an exam in which you cannot make mistakes.
How to forget an unfaithful person forever?It often happens that a woman has no desire or need to keep her husband who is trying to leave. But even with such determination, it is not so easy to forget about a long-term relationship. Memories of his life together are still spinning in his head, there are many mutual acquaintances who casually tell him what is happening in his life, the children ask about dad and miss him. In order not to suffer too much yourself and not to upset your children, you need to listen to the advice of psychologists.
To get rid of thoughts about your ex-husband:
A woman must remember that after a divorce she was not left completely alone - her children and loved ones are still with her. Taking care of them is what she should focus on. Under no circumstances should you feel sorry for yourself and set yourself up for a worsening future life. Many women, after their husbands left, managed to find happiness in a new marriage, climb the career ladder, and achieve success in their own business.
Not everyone is worthy of being pursued. There is no point in trying to return to a relationship with a man who disdains his wife’s love and care. It is better to look around in search of a new chosen one who can give happiness.
How to live further?Many women who have gone through a divorce find it difficult to focus on anything other than their own feelings and experiences.
What to do if a man abandoned two or three children?
It is necessary to resist the desire to protect them from communication with their father. Don't talk bad things about your father to your children and don't even try to manipulate your children into getting your husband to return. It is important for children to know that both parents love them.
Having your husband visit your children is another option to rekindle the relationship. The main thing is to show your departed husband that both the children and you love him.
Strong women should not wonder how to move on with their lives if their husbands leave. A self-sufficient person can endure any, even the most unpleasant, life changes with dignity.
My husband left me after 7.5 years of marriage, my child is 5.5 years old. He left because, as he said, he stopped loving him, he told me this before the New Year, although we didn’t have any special problems in the family. Six months ago, he swore his love to me and fidelity, and then, like a bolt from the blue, his recognition and unwillingness to change anything in our relationship. I tried to save our family as best I could, asked, begged, but he firmly stood his ground. He said that we need to check our feelings. At Epiphany on January 19 in the morning he packed his things and left. Leaving us in a rented apartment and without a penny of money. We live in Italy, I have no family and friends nearby, I don’t have any friends nearby, I don’t have a job either, I haven’t worked all these years after the birth of my child. After 3 days was the first suicide attempt, the child answered his phone call and he saved me on time, after that my husband still came to spend the night until yesterday, and then decided to take the remaining things and leave forever. And yesterday I tried to kill myself again, they saved me again, but This time he survived by a miracle, his mother came, she said that she sensed something was wrong and came home, knocked down the door, I didn’t even wheeze anymore, I was all blue, I remember only the bright light and her face above me. My husband came, looked at me, read to me morality and went to work. We didn’t go to the hospital, now I’m at home, it’s morally difficult, I understand that all this is in vain, nothing can be returned or changed, how can I force myself to change? How to live on, how not to commit this stupidity again? He doesn’t care even if I die, I realized this yesterday. It’s very hard for me to realize this, but it’s true. Tell me how to get out of this nightmare?
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Yana, age: 39 / 02/14/2012
Responses:
Hello!
For those who are going through a breakup, there is more
specialized website http://www.perejit.ru/
What will it be like for a child without a mother? After all, everyone
the child needs a mother. God help you!
Rusik, age: 22 / 02/14/2012
It’s bad! I don’t know, I’m like that myself! But I know for sure this world is worthless and you need to stay alive for the sake of your children. Where is the guarantee that they will be looked after better than you. There is no choice, you need to “eat”, otherwise there is no point in you. Through your children you will learn what it is real love. There is no way you can do this. And what’s even worse is that this act can evoke not pity and guilt, but contempt. Please get over this.
and, age: 41 / 02/14/2012
Hello, Yana. Your story brought me to tears... I really want to help, at least with advice, although I understand that when your soul hurts and you don’t want to live, there is no time for advice. But still... Why do you think that your life is over and there will be nothing good ahead? You just need to live for the sake of your child and loved ones. You thought about them, isn’t it worth living for a child? Doesn't your husband need it? Judging by your story about him, it’s even better that such a person left your life. You are still very young to give up on yourself, what if something very good awaits you in the future, but you will never know. But in the end, raising a child, seeing your grandchildren, isn’t that enough?
Look, it is no coincidence that you remained alive after two suicide attempts. I'm sure God is giving you another chance to fix everything. Therefore, my advice to you is to urgently look for an Orthodox priest (I think even in Italy there should be Orthodox Churches) and repent of your sin, ask for advice. If you don’t find it, just pray to God, the Mother of God, the Guardian Angel at home, ask for forgiveness and help, and help will definitely come.
Natalie, age: 35 / 02/15/2012
Dear Yanochka, hold on. How many of us women have experienced this, and we cope. It hurts, it’s hard, it’s understandable, I’ve been divorced for a year. I can only say that if you are patient, it will go away and go away with time. You need to think about your son, how to raise him, how to get a job. Slowly occupy yourself with normal activities. It’s difficult to give advice on how to act in Italy, but you can always find a job, even as a dishwasher, to begin with, if you have no work experience. Everything can be fixed, pull yourself together for the sake of your son, I beg you! How can he remain without you with such a father and in a foreign country? Your husband is NOT WORTH such sacrifices!
I don't regret getting divorced. At first it was difficult to adapt to new realities, it’s always a shock when it’s unexpected, but time has passed, I can live alone, and you can, you’ll also meet a new man, you’ll see! I wish this to you with all my heart!
Continue with God's help! And think more about
child, act when you start doing, then
bad thoughts quickly go away, the main thing is to do at least
something to improve the situation and pray..
Contact the employment service, ask for a job,
It’s not so important which one, for a start at least some, that
there would be something to eat. And then the situation becomes clearer
it will become easier, say there is no one - it
mother, apparently he is not such a callous woman as he is,
you can ask her for support with the child
sit and just chat! God grant you find
a good reliable loved one over time!
Vadim, age: 55 / 02/15/2012
Yanochka, I sympathize with you.
39 years. There is no work. There is no home. There are no relatives or friends. The husband left. The child is 5.5 years old.
My advice to you is to pack your things and go home. What are you doing there in this Italy? You're there alone. Houses and walls help (this is, of course, if you are from Russia).
Husband left?! To be honest, I don’t see any problems with this at all. left - and good riddance. Are you going to deprive yourself of your life because of him? Did God give it to you for this? What are you really doing? He's already an adult. and besides, you have a child. Who needs him? Will he be in a foreign country?
you have problems because you depend on him. you're not working. no money, no housing. Nothing.
so go home, honey. and everything will work out. forget him and this whole foreign life like a bad dream. You'll see everything will work out! Few people manage to live in prosperity and pleasure in a foreign country. especially sitting there without work.
good luck!
Tatyana, age: 42 / 02/15/2012
Yana, register on the forum, there are similar topics there, also Italy. Just read similar stories. No matter how hard it is, think about your son first! How is he without you? Your husband is obliged to help you financially! You just need to pull yourself together! God bless you!!! Sorry
Oleg, age: 49 / 02/15/2012
Thank you very much everyone for your moral support! Now I need this as much as air, I will definitely try to pull myself together, just when there is no one around to just talk - sometimes it becomes so unbearable. Some kind of terrible depression sets in, from time to time I just howl like a dog. I am eternally grateful to everyone who responded , only I don’t have a son, but a daughter, I just wrote it wrong, sorry. Today, for the first time in a long time, I went outside and picked up my child from school. It’s still very difficult for me, I want to fight, I hope everything works out for me.
Yana, age: 39 / 02/15/2012
Darling, everything will work out, God bless you and your daughter, we are with you!
Tatyana, age: 35 / 02/15/2012
It’s great that you have a smart daughter. When a wave of depression and suicide hits, immediately write here. Only. Please, don’t put yourself in harm’s way again. You are only 39!!! Life is just beginning 1. Forgive your husband and let go (it’s hard at first, it’s just sooooooooo hard), but I’m sure you can handle it
2. You need to raise a child,
3. Find a job
4. See grandchildren
Oh, and most importantly, I forgot (of course it’s still too early, but...) to find a worthy person. Good luck to you and your child!
P.S. The sun is shining, but it’s so beautiful!
L, age: 29 / 02/15/2012
Thank you! Please understand that you are not alone in the world! We are with you and ready to support. We all understand perfectly well that when you have no one to share with, you can reach such a state. but you are smart! It was like that, a small digression, it happens. And now THAT'S ALL! Don't forget, God is with you! Sorry.
Oleg, age: 49 / 02/16/2012
Are you very upset that he doesn’t care that you’ll be gone? Is this so important to you? This is the most important thing, right? Have you thought about your daughter at all? You are betraying her with this behavior. The girl sees that you don’t need her, you need her prodigal dad. Yana, please stop. The worst thing is now for your daughter. You will cripple her for life with this behavior. Well, my husband left. What's next? And he left me - with two children. It's a shame and bitter, but why kill yourself??? The pain goes away, Yana. Peace and joy have come, my children are studying at the Olympic reserve school and studying well. Let's have fun ourselves and have a great time everyone! And we cook together and travel everywhere and in the evenings we all read books together or watch good movies in an embrace. And this is great happiness! And what do I need this man who went his own way??? I go with mine and I like it.
And suicidal behavior in such conditions looks very unsightly, and above all, in the eyes of your husband. Behave with dignity! Your husband left you alone. Yanochka, you can’t do this. I'm very sorry for your daughter. Okay, the husbands are prodigal... but the mother is wheezing as a result of a suicide attempt... your act towards your daughter is much worse than your husband towards you. Sorry for the harshness.
Anna, age: 35 / 02/17/2012
Thank you Anna for your understanding! I completely agree with you, lately I have been constantly thinking and analyzing the situation. and clearly not to our advantage. Of course, the main thing is the children and we should not kneel in front of them, but live on and set an example in everything. Thank you very much to all the caring people who responded, you helped me so much - if only you only knew! Just thank you for being there, for your understanding and for your support!
Yana, age: 39 / 02/17/2012
Don’t worry, after an hour has passed, you’ll pick yourself up and think about the child, as if you can’t worry about yourself and live for her. Pray that God won’t come back and everything will be fine. Try to find a job without pennies, and for the first hour talk to the person so that you can feed them financially while you're at it.
Translation:
Don’t worry, it will pass over time, the main thing is to pull yourself together and think about the child if you can’t think about yourself
care and live for her. Pray, God will not turn away and everything will definitely be fine. Try to find a job
because without money you can’t go anywhere. And for the first time, talk to your husband so that he can support you financially while you look for a job. I understand you, because I was in the same condition as you and also abroad without relatives and support.
natavladik, age: 28 / 03/18/2012
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After several years of marriage, my husband left me. It's been a long time, but I can't cope with the pain and resentment. I feel useless to anyone, as if I am the worst woman in the world, as if I am a complete nonentity. How can I deal with this?
Evgeniya, 30 years old
Indeed, in such a situation we experience an acute feeling of abandonment, uselessness, and we cease to understand who we really are. It is important at this time to remind yourself that what has happened is a break in the relationship, the end of the connection, whatever it was. This is a break with a person who no longer wants to continue this relationship.
During this period, we may stop assessing ourselves adequately, as if we are completely giving our self-esteem into the hands of the one who leaves us. Some people at this time begin to look for someone to whom they would again entrust their self-esteem - “I’m in a relationship with someone again, which means everything is fine with me.” As if having a partner automatically raises your “value” in the eyes of others and, most importantly, in your own.
You can do this, of course. Or you can begin to analyze your feelings, try to use painful experiences in order to grow and become wiser. Even in this difficult time, you can ask yourself: “What in life can bring me joy? What can I bring on my own and right now into my daily life? What will give me pleasure and change my condition for the better? What will make me feel like the quality of my experience is completely in my hands?”
The main thing is to remind yourself that the desire or unwillingness of another person to be with you does not define you as a person, as a woman. You are valuable in your own right. And it is likely that once you believe this, you will allow new love to enter your life.
Ask a question to an expert online
The husband left. The usual way of life has changed, what remains are habits and emptiness. Anyone in a similar situation, how do you cope? How do you learn to live in a new way?
There was a period when we separated... for about six months... You know, it’s strange, but I lived very well. I threw out everything unnecessary from the apartment, a lot of time was freed up for myself, for my personal activities, for communicating with people with whom I somehow didn’t have time, in order to be alone, with myself... in general, it turned out that that to me, well, if not better alone, then at least not worse at all...
My husband was perfect: he helped around the house and cooked. And when I left, NOTHING changed. There was no increase in housework and no decrease in money. For two years now I’ve been wondering: what did he do and how did we live if nothing changed after he left?
“A habit has been given to us from above, it is a substitute for happiness...” I emphasize the word replacement.
Change yourself, take responsibility for everyday issues, that’s exactly what I did. I took on any task and when I succeeded (most often), I felt satisfaction from my skill. "Oh yes Pushkin! Oh yes son of a bitch!" words spoken by me to myself
She lost weight, became prettier, became more well-groomed and fashionable, and a twinkle appeared in her eyes. The apartment became cleaner, the food became healthier. I have a lot of free time, I go dancing.
On the contrary, I turned from a “woman with balls” into a woman. Previously, I knew how to do everything, organize, run around, negotiate, but now I sit with folded arms and blink my eyes. It’s good that there is no BJ, otherwise it would have been a typical BJ and the tops would have been written about me. There is a BM, so let it run. Over the years of marriage, I've had enough. Now I’m calling: “dear, I need this and that, when is it more convenient for you to do this for me?”
I don't know, but it does.
Although I suspect. Our children are very small, we are both categorically against our stepfather. Those. if he doesn’t want his stepfather to get hooked, then he should at least take on the minimum of male functions in my life.
I read that many people have similar situations. I’ve lost weight, finally bought myself something fresh, got my hair done, a manicure, my house really is cleaner, the food is healthier (as mentioned above), I’m more involved in the development of my child. and I throw away the excess, I get rid of the trash. At least I started to respect myself, although my first thoughts were, why am I a bad woman-lover-wife-mother? That she is better or what?
I agree with the above. Lots of free time for yourself, your child and your friends. A twinkle in the eye. Housework has decreased and money has increased. Life is good! And yes.. if earlier I was moaning that I’m ALREADY 30 - life has passed, but now... 33 is a wonderful age, I love it, I’m not afraid)
I was a woman, and I still am! I need to chop wood for the car, I did it. BM also helps, but not because I’m helpless, but because... I don’t know why. During the entire period after the divorce, I never asked him for help. I'm not proud of my skill, I'm just stating a fact, I can!
I can’t understand why there was more money? Well, okay - it’s cleaner and there’s more time. And if more money is added - this is alimony, does that mean the husband is very expensive?
To be honest, it's bad. But I live and, of course, better than right after he left - it was even worse there.
But I don’t understand where everyone gets so much free time after a divorce and having a child.
What we used to do together, now I do alone, there is practically no time for myself, hobbies and friends. Everything revolves around the child. There was no more money. Didn't look any better either.
I didn't apply for alimony. As much as your conscience allows. Conscience allowed BM to give 7 thousand in a year. And more money appears when your husband earns 2 times less than you, while 5-7 thousand goes into the family budget, beats his fist in the chest: I’m sorry that I’m not a banker, and makes a scandal that I don’t buy him clothes. Horrible!
And they eat... I'll tell you...
What has changed... A lot. All.
Something on the positive side:
no one will walk on the freshly washed floor in dirty shoes (I left my phone in the room),
no one leaves dirty socks on the dining table,
no one watches TV at full volume,
no one smokes on the balcony where I just hung the laundry, which is all saturated with the smell of tobacco,
no one yells at children when they run around barefoot and wearing only shorts,
no one mutters through clenched teeth “it’s 9 o’clock and the children still haven’t eaten”
no one snores so loudly at night that their ears become blocked,
no one needs to wash and dry their shoes, because... It was raining today and someone came with wet and dirty shoes, but they couldn’t think of washing them,
no one needs to iron shirts or wash light-colored socks,
no one drinks vodka almost every evening and polishes it off with beer...
Something negative:
there is no one to tell how the day went and what pearl a colleague at work once again soaked,
there is no one to complain to that my ear hurts,
no one to show me what shoes I bought for my child on September 1st,
there is no one to consult with on what suit to buy for these boots,
no one will ask if I’m hungry and what I’ll have first - pea soup with croutons or duck with apples (and no one will cook it, accordingly),
no one says at 8 pm "do you want some cinnamon rolls?" and at 10 no one will pull these buns out of the oven.
And most importantly, children's questions...
“Mom, did you pick us up from kindergarten early or late today?” - “It’s quite late” - “Hurray, that means daddy is already home!”
We approach the entrance - they run to the intercom and call. I say that daddy is not at home yet - the children shout “you don’t know anything, our daddy is home!” We approach the apartment, take out the key with which we open the door, when no one is home, the children “put away this key! Dad is home, we need to open another lock!”
They enter the apartment: “Daddy, we’ve arrived, are you home? Daddy!”
“Mom, why didn’t daddy come yesterday?” - “He’s working” - “Why didn’t he come the day before yesterday?” - “Well, you know that now dad has a very important time at work, he should be there all the time.”
Turning the key in the door - the children, knocking down the corners, run into the corridor, and this is my mother who has arrived (I have to go to work at 7 tomorrow, my mother will take the children to kindergarten). The children are in tears - why is it grandma, why not daddy?
The son is very attached to his father. He walks around the house, collects his father’s things, prepares home clothes for daddy to wear when he comes.
From the last one. The son climbed onto his father’s bed, put his head on his pillow, hugged it - and suddenly I was happy, “Mom, can you imagine, the pillow smells like daddy!”
More than 10 years of marriage. I was 200% confident in myself, and a hundred times more confident in my husband. We were planning a third one in June. In July he said “I want us to get divorced.”
It's still very hard.
He went to see his old acquaintance, a friend from college.
If I had known in advance, at least a month in advance, that there would be problems on this side, I would have given up, I would have changed everything to hell in our life, but I would not have allowed it.
They periodically, a couple of times a year (as far as I know) called back, congratulated each other on their birthday, he once went to visit her - something had to be done around the house. Once a couple of years ago, I was digging through his SMS messages, looking for the bill for the previous month (my husband himself said “look, it’s already arrived”), I saw an SMS there from her - it didn’t even occur to me to read it, just as it didn’t occur to him to erase - I knew that I wouldn’t climb.
A month ago they called him and said that she was in bad condition, she had terrible depression. He went.
Well, I brought you out of depression, I hope.
There is no chance(((who would trade in the opposite direction a new, fresh, beautiful relationship with an old friend for an old, bitter relationship with his wife? Who would trade a clean, quiet, calm home where he is waiting for you loving woman, who has been waiting for you for 15 years and is ready to pour out all the tenderness accumulated over the years on an eternal mess, screaming children and a wife with a somewhat blurry look?
We don’t store what we have. It’s a pity that I didn’t have reasons to be jealous all these 10 years; maybe, after some hints, I would have tried to devote more time to him.
We live in his apartment, he suggested it himself. My first impulse was to go to my place, to a neighboring town near Moscow, but then my mother would get too much - she would have to take the children to kindergarten and school, they are near her husband’s house. And if I can change schools, then we will never get into kindergarten in my town.
Upd. I thought that for the children then everything would change too dramatically, EVERYTHING. So far it turns out that daddy has begun to come less often (once a week or a week and a half), but everything else is in place, at least in this regard there is stability.
It’s very difficult with children - my daughter is closer to me, she remembers daddy, of course, a thousand times a day, but without tragedy - she will cry and get distracted. And my son remembers him in every sentence, I’m afraid to say anything to him, his nerves are already tense all the time, but here in general he’ll think about it all the time...
Thank you for talking to me - I spoke out and for the first time in these two and a half weeks I was able to cry, maybe I will feel better...
Divorce 3 years ago was very difficult for me, it was scary after 12 years of marriage, after all, we had been together almost our entire adult life, with 2 children. Very soon I began to understand that all these were just fears, and everything was in my hands. Now I am sincerely and tenderly grateful to him for his care))) Everything in life has changed so much that it is most surprising.
Well, you have a lot of shaes and more. The romance will pass, and you will be drawn to your usual wife, children, and well-established life. There won’t be enough money... The girl will also want a child, who will also scream! He will come out of depression and begin to download his rights. You never know... It will crawl! But will you need it? You cannot erase 10 years of life in 1 day! He is now a superman, he saved a person from depression. But this usually doesn’t last long.
I have a different fate, I left my husband on my own, but when a woman goes with her child to nowhere and no one... in general it was very bad. They also lived together for a long time. Also a storm of emotions, slightly different, but no less simple. It was both difficult and very difficult. But I understood that life was not punishing me, but trying to teach me something. We are all developing... For 3 years I learned not to hate a person whom I could not help but hate. At first it was hard, then it started to work out)) and this does not mean that I forgot anything. It seems like my husband is a tyrant and a manipulator, a rare bastard, I’ll start telling you... even the most evil ones will regret it)), but I understood that all this was happening because of me, I attracted such a person to me. I am pure, open, devoted and... guilty. You can cry here, but you can only go through the entire difficult path (although to be honest, although it is difficult, it is not very far if you want to). If you want, you can write in a personal message. Good luck, I did it, why shouldn’t it work for you? Everything will be so good, you can’t even imagine.
Plus a lot!
With some amendments: divorce 2 years ago, one child (daughter), but life has changed so much that sometimes I don’t believe myself - is it me, is it happening to me? I am also sincerely grateful to my husband for leaving, and to some extent I sympathize with him - he, in my opinion, remained in the same swamp in which he was, but parting with him gave me a chance to turn my life in a completely different direction and meet people people whom I might not have met if I were still married.
At first I hung out with my friends all the time, and then I went to a dating site and started meeting every day for coffee, and that’s how I found a change, I was sad at first, but I overcame it
You see, I'm not a romantic person at all. In my youth, having had my fill of oohs, sighs, poems, tears on the bench, I don’t want this anymore. And I was very glad that I had a husband without this romantic flair, a normal, calm guy, a “physicist” and not a “lyricist”. And then it turns out that he can talk on the phone for hours on end, and is not a stranger to romanticism. So if all this is close to him, if he needs it, but this was not the case with me, then he will hold on to his girlfriend, who is ready to provide this for him.
And the girl who, after a long period of patience, pulled out a pretty good lottery ticket, if not stupid, will not give it back (((
To be honest, all these 10 years I’ve been thinking, “why did I actually get so rude?” I am absolutely not a fairy either in the nursery, or in the kitchen, or in the bedroom. My husband loved me for no reason, he just loved me. And now I just fell out of love. If there is no love on his part, then I will not lure him with anything. And for the person he loves, he is ready to do a lot, forget himself, and give everything to another.
What I mean is that my chances are rapidly approaching zero.
Thank you! With your lips... (everything is fine...)
I feel very sorry for him (not in the sense that he is unhappy, but in the sense that it is a pity to “give” him away), very much!
I tell myself like a mantra that I am lucky! After all, it could have been like - God forbid, something would have happened to him, he would have gotten very sick or something worse. I would howl and moan, “why is this so? It would be better if he went to someone else, even if I didn’t have him, but he would be alive, healthy and happy.” And you see, fortune, I was lucky - I didn’t have to go through any of this, nothing terrible happened to him. He is alive, healthy and happy. They just gave me a happy beginning (my life with him) and a happy ending, but they didn’t give me all the horror. Well, why complain?
I am a very pragmatic person, this reasoning makes my life much easier now.
How glad I was if my husband left.
But I understand that this is unrealistic.
We have been living for 13 years, there is no love, just habit and a child.
it all depends on you.....the only BUT, if there is no one to leave the child with, then yes, there is not enough time...although you can ask your girlfriend to sit for a couple of hours, while you go to the hairdresser or somewhere else)) everything is in your hands... .
This is not how you should think. Now the whole Universe revolves around him, change the center of the universe, not he, but you should be it. When we bet on someone, we become very dependent on it. My mother has a friend in Moscow (I’m not from Russia), when I heard about her, I was surprised - God knows where, her husband left her, she lives in a dorm with two very small children (both in kindergarten, the youngest is no more than 3), Paraguayan poverty, scrubs the floors in the same dorm after work, works... crappy work (kind of dirty and poorly paid). Then, when we meet, I am even more surprised - a developed, educated woman. A lot has passed, I won’t say anything, but maybe not much - 6 years, I was passing through Moscow and my mother said, stop at Lena’s (I have an aunt, but their whole family went to the seaside). I also said, well, what the heck, the little one won’t want to spend the night in such conditions, mom just smiled slyly and said, he’ll like it))). We arrived in Moscow, Lena’s husband met us at the Airport (such a golden guy, by the way). They live with him on Belorusskaya, right next to the metro, they are building an apartment (there are a lot of children))))), he treats them very well, his daughter is already an adult, by the way, she also visited while we were there, and Lena works in chief. an accountant by profession in a large company. And you say to grumble! You must be alive, healthy and happy, he has a different path, let’s not talk badly about him, just consign him to oblivion, leave all the good things in your memory and move on!
That's how I would swear at you))))))). They never love and will never stop loving. And that means there are fairies everywhere, right? There is something special about you, but you don't appreciate it. Go back in time, 10 years ago and look at yourself with today's eyes, what has changed?
These 10 years he was not at all the center of my universe. I have a lot of things to do, I want to pay attention to many things - children, parents, girlfriends, hobbies, and work - like everyone else. I also want to pay attention to my husband, but in order of priority, and he is not always in the top three. Moreover, every time during quarrels - due to alcohol or raising children, we had two stumbling blocks - I thought: now I’ll pack my things and leave with the children, what for the goat button accordion? Why did he give in to me?
But here’s a stupid property of the brain: now I don’t remember anything bad. Or rather, I remember it as a fact: yes, they quarreled; Yes, I thought I would leave. But I can’t remember my emotions at that moment. But I remember the joy of his phone call or his coming home, I can directly feel it. I see what exactly I lost that was good, but I don’t see what I lost that was bad.
I know that he is not a gift, and there are big problems with alcohol, moreover, if we had broken up at the moment of a quarrel on my initiative, I probably would not have been so worried. And he left in a calm, even friendly atmosphere. You see, nothing predicted a hurricane, that’s why it’s so difficult.
I don’t even need to go back, and I already know ((he no longer has enough attention. Now I understand this, but a month ago I didn’t understand that I had completely abandoned him. He became lonely in the family, I didn’t feel it, because I myself was in the center of attention - children's, husband's, parents'. But he is not the center of anyone. How lonely he was in the evenings, when everyone seemed to be at home, but he was still alone - I understand now, when he seemed to be at home (came to the children), but I'm alone.
He actually needs a little - to feel that he is needed. He did a lot for the family, and it seemed to me that this was in the order of things. I got used to it and didn’t express my “thank you” to him in any way, but I should have.
That girl really needs him now, and she can (and does) express her need for him through actions, words, and emotions. And I haven’t shown this for a long time, because... he’s always there, always nearby, I couldn’t imagine what would happen if he left. It’s like we don’t feel like we have ears while they’re fine, but now they get sick - and it seems like the whole body consists of just ears.
You know, I answer in such detail because... There is no one to express my pain to - with my mother and with my friend I have a slightly different image - in relation to this situation I am a kind of indifferent superwoman who will only be better off without her husband, because... There are fewer problems and worries. My parents are very worried, and if I hang my tears on them, they will completely bend (((
You see, the GOOD ones are not lost! They are there, they will always support and help. Well, the fact that a man should be in the top three is mandatory for me - mother, son and him. But my mother doesn’t need me all the time, so the first place was shared between my son and Him)). And they don’t even quarrel about it. But he and his son must make sure that it is good for me. And the fact that memory works this way may not be a bad thing. Imagine what would happen to us if we remembered all the grievances. We would have met in a madhouse))). When I start talking about my past life, many are shocked - he’s a freak, he’s scum, but fortunately I don’t remember this. The emotions went away, I forgave, but did not forget)). It’s hard to let go when they leave like nobly - live in an apartment, here’s money for you to live on, and if he comes and plays with the child, tears of tenderness will run down your cheeks. So? It seems so, but not so. He failed, it is your right to forgive him and accept him if you want. But excuse me, for me personally, the stigma cannot be washed away. This is not having sex on the side, this is what they call betrayal.
1 was on a spree for almost a year, although the divorce was by mutual consent.
Despite work and distance learning, there was always time for friends, parties, and entertainment. Through dating sites I communicated and met, raised my self-esteem as women.
Like many who write below, I lost weight and became prettier. The question arises, why didn’t you lose weight when you were with your husband? Probably there was no incentive.
What you say is correct, you can’t deprive a man of attention. There is one BUT - in a family, relationships must develop and BOTH participate in this. And he gave and gave and waved... Excuse me. Was he trying to explain something to you, to get through to you?
He does not know how to “talk” or discuss a problem calmly. He does some actions (like pulling out the cord from the computer and cutting it, or he seems to say something to the child, but in an angry, raised tone and specifically so that I can hear, like “our mother thinks that it’s normal for children to cough and barefoot around the house running around, our mother has no time for that...") - i.e. In terms of content, it seems to be correct, but in terms of the form of expression, it’s somehow not very good. A normal woman, who understands that this is already subtle and is about to burst, would have taken note of this form of “presentation of material” and would have been glad that at least she was expressing her dissatisfaction in this way, but my ambition rose up (((for some reason I then I thought (“then!” - then - this is literally a couple of months ago, and I’m not 16, youthful maximalism should have ended long ago) that no matter what he said, I was still right. I thought that I myself knew that now it’s more important, and it’s not him, and it’s not nailing slippers to the child’s heels.
And many people told me (mom, dad, sister) that I was wrong, but, you see, I didn’t even think that I wouldn’t have my husband forever. It seemed to me that now we would survive this black streak, and after it there would be a white one, and then everything would get better. I just didn’t understand that the white stripe was THIS, and behind it there would be a black one.
I understood all this literally the next second after the words “I would like us to get divorced.”
Yes, yes, you are right, exactly - he left nobly: an apartment, money, he takes the children to the dacha with his parents. And yes, tears well up that this is no longer mine, that he will now play with the children and go home - to another house, not this one, his house is not here now. How is it that I have it here, but he doesn’t have it here? I still can’t comprehend this (((
But you are also right in the second one. I understand that you don’t even have to try to deceive me. They told me that I was on duty at the site this weekend, and it couldn’t even occur to me that there was something wrong here. Yes, there is a facility, yes, you have to be on duty at it, and on weekends too, so why not him? Those. there would be a desire, but having a girlfriend on the side and not being discovered would not be at all difficult. And if a person didn’t just sleep with him, but actually left, that’s all, he’s already cut it off, you can’t sew it back on.
I understand all this with my brain. And emotions do not lend themselves to reason (((
As I understand you. I myself am now in a similar situation and also left in July, or rather kicked out my daughter and me.
At least your husband left you an apartment, gives you money and communicates with your children. Mine doesn't care about anything. I've seen my daughter once since mid-July, and that was when he brought our things. My mother and I spent a week trying to find money for the child. He said that he sent it by postal order. We wait. I asked about the child once in 3.5 weeks. His family completely turned their backs on us. Today my mother talked to my mother-in-law and asked for the 3rd time!! go to the clinic and pick up documents for the garden. She didn't even ask how her granddaughter was. I don't care about anything.
And I realize all this and become even worse than it was.
How do I distract myself?
1. I cut my hair and changed my look. It helped me a lot, increased my self-esteem by an order of magnitude.
2. I meet friends with whom I have not communicated for a long time. I finally started going outside, otherwise in 3 weeks I went out 4 times
3. I registered on dating sites and communicate with different people.
4. Because I lost a lot of weight due to my nerves, but now I began to fit into the clothes that I wore 5-6 years ago. I like it. Now I'm wearing my favorite jeans
5. A cousin came to visit, whom she also hadn’t seen for a long time; relatives drop by periodically. Living with my husband, I rarely communicated with my family, only on holidays 1-2 times a year.
And somehow within a week it became much easier. It was as if I had come to life. And now I don’t care whether he comes back or not. I don't want this anymore. Previously, I didn’t want it with my head, but my heart screamed: “I love you!” And now the heart is almost in solidarity with the head.
Oh, yes, my childhood friend also helped me come to my senses. She has been living with her parents since the fall. But no one knew, she didn’t tell anyone. The husband also acted strangely, took off his wedding ring, began to run into scandals and said that he wanted to live separately. The friend packed her things and went to her parents. After a couple of months, my husband came to his senses and started calling and coming. Now he goes to visit her on weekends, calls, worries, asks her to come back, but she doesn’t want to. She loves him, but cannot forgive him.
Maybe time really heals, and the actions of loved ones help to heal
It seems to me that it’s much more difficult for you in everyday life, but a little easier in moral terms - you see that he has changed and has become “not very nice” - and he has bullied the child, and kicked him out of the apartment, and won’t give him money, and his relatives have turned away. Those. you have every reason to sharpen your tongue about him and feel sorry for yourself.
But for me it’s the other way around - he’s ready to give everything, just not himself and not “all my loving”, but for me, if I had to choose, it would be better to leave him, and the money and apartment to that girl. And his parents are also worried - they saw, of course, that not everything was going smoothly with us, they saw my mistakes and his quirks, but I think they also could not imagine that our marriage would not last forever. His parents are celebrating their golden wedding this year.
I’m also trying to change something in my life so as not to hold on to my husband with all my soul and body. But so far it’s somehow not working out very well, or rather, all my actions are latently aimed at impressing my husband ((I UNDERSTAND that this will not give anything, but I still do it and expect the result.
To get a haircut - yes, yesterday I got my hair cut and dyed, my husband came to sit with my son, he didn’t comment at all. I cleared up the mess in the kitchen, washed it almost from withers to tail - the reaction was the same as before, after my husband’s dinner, there were leftovers from lunch and dirty dishes on the clean table, crumbs on the floor.
You wrote about your friend, I immediately think in the same direction - what if he comes to persuade? Now I would take it back without question. I don’t know what will happen in a month.
Time heals, of course, it’s just that not enough time has passed.
Yes, it’s not scary to be frank anonymously. I can’t cry to my family like that (((with my husband I also keep myself calm, but inside I’m boiling, I need to let off steam somewhere. Here I spoke out, let off steam, so to speak.
I hope that your black stripe will remain black)) and the next one will be gray or immediately white))
You read the posts of the anonymous author and cannot shake the feeling, as is customary to write on Eve, that this is a scam.
Nothing fits with anything.
I would say that this is written by a man who could not put his abusive wife in his place; she kicked him out of her apartment.
And now he describes the situation on behalf of the wife who kicked him out.
And everything is so unnatural, it’s jaw-dropping.
Stasya is indeed feeling better in some ways, but it’s unlikely to be much. And you are too naive. There are signs of a powerful personality, for example, I take it from afar)))). And so you see a person like this everywhere except...your child (and you are a divorced woman) called incompetent. This means he wants to please you and is hiding his character. I’m writing in a primitive way, but I want you to understand that you cannot simultaneously commit both a noble and an ignoble act while remaining a decent person. He pays off. It’s very good that he pays off, take it and let him understand that your grief is limitless. Sorry for being cynical, I’ve seen a lot of crap in my life. Take it, but don’t think the way he would like. I was 20, and my friend was 15 years older, she then told me - when you leave a man, say that it’s not fate, but since you no one will ever love him. A very cruel move, a man is capable of remembering and suffering for a long time. Much water has passed under the bridge since then; it’s disgusting to hold on to someone you don’t need. So, what your husband does is the same, only from the man’s side. And yet, you must now have a clearly formulated OWN truth. He is a scoundrel, a traitor, you deserve better.
I also often wonder what if tomorrow he calls and says: “I’m sorry, I was a fool, my head is clouded, now I understand what I’ve lost, I can’t live without you.” And I don’t know how to behave in such a situation. Should I forgive and remember all this dirt for the rest of my life? And with every delay of 5 minutes, think of the devil for yourself?
I don't think I can live like this. What if he comes to his senses not tomorrow, but in a year? And if you don’t come to your senses at all. So why wait for him and give up on yourself?
You don't owe anyone anything! You must live. And you shouldn’t give a damn whether he comes to his senses or not. If he ever comes and says, “Darling, I’m sorry, only you will decide whether you need him or not.”
Due to the lack of slippers on the feet of even a coughing child, they do not swear. He ALREADY was unhappy and poked at the first place he came across. And he pulled the cord out of the computer and finally cut it abruptly, the man made it clear that he was dissatisfied. Severely, like a man))). My ex turned off the TV for me a couple of times BECAUSE... That's why the ex. There's always a reason, damn it. You know, I have a friend. When I first got married, there was a story - she gave her husband a hard time. He lost his temper, shook her, she said, “knocked.” And then, when explaining, he told her, “You’ve brought me down.” To which she replied: “Today I’ve upset you by nagging you, tomorrow by saying something out of place, and the day after tomorrow there’ll be crumbs on the table.” Of course, both drew conclusions, but since then he has never offended her; if he cannot restrain himself, he simply leaves the room. And they have been together for 14 years. Don’t blame yourself...no matter what wrong you do, he betrayed you. Of course you will have to rethink everything. But blaming yourself is irrational, to say the least. And in your case, I would strongly bet that this is exactly what you are guilty of.
Today a friend reminded me of the story of our third friend. For some reason I didn’t try it on myself, but the story is similar.
About two years ago, she began corresponding on social networks with a classmate who left Russia back in school years. We corresponded and corresponded, we realized that we had loved each other all these years, our friend went to him. In another country, a man had a wife and daughter, the relationship with his wife, according to him, has completely outlived its usefulness, he does not love her, but loves our friend. And this friend began to rush from one to another - he loves his girlfriend, but not his wife, but he loves his daughter very much... He lives with his girlfriend for a couple of months, “I love him more than life, I’m the only one,” and so on, then he says, “That’s it, our relationship is a mistake, I’m coming back.” to the family." Only the friend will cry for a couple of months and will slowly begin to come to her senses - again it’s great, “Come, I realized that there is no life without you” - and again in a circle.
In general, after a year of such tossing and turning, he told his girlfriend, “I love you very much, but I will live with my wife and daughter, because they need me,” and went back to his family. My friend recovered from this state for more than a year and required treatment from doctors. I don’t know how my wife felt at that time. And I probably don’t want to find out.
Somewhere in the self-help books there is a topic “the horse is dead - get off”, so I’m trying to get off this horse. The problem is. to know for sure whether she’s dead or not, maybe she’s just pretending)))
I think about this too. After such boundless trust that we had (on both sides), this will be ersatz instead of bread.
On the other hand, in the toughest argument, in the most terrible quarrel, I never lose touch with my head. I never say anything in my heart that can offend a person, I don’t remember old mistakes to him - simply because I know from myself how it hurts. Therefore, the husband can be calm that he will not remember this. But I won’t forget(((it will always be in my head(((
Get the hell out of here, the topic was opened for women whose husbands left them, exchange of feelings, if your husband sleeps next to you, then what can you write about here? only to mock those who are unlucky or, on the contrary, lucky?!
Why do you behave calmly with your husband?
You are very smart, this can be seen from the way you write, express your thoughts and feelings. It's even interesting to read you. It’s not at all a fact that that girl is better than you.
After all, the pink flair of love sooner or later disappears, and banal everyday life begins. He will definitely compare his previous life and his current one. He must understand that he has a way back. For now. I need to know that you still love, that you have realized your mistakes, that you regret them, that the children are suffering and that it is difficult for you to recover from the breakup. I understand that there is, in a sense, pressure for pity. But we need to rock the boat somehow. Why did you take it and fold your hands like that? Why did you give up and not save your marriage for the sake of yourself and your children? After all, you really have something to lose, damn it!
Every time I read you and think, “I wish I could look at you in such a situation.” And I think many people think the same way about you. So you should be careful in your statements, thoughts are material
Author, your list is strange. Of course, I don’t like categorical statements, but I’ll assume that you loved the same sex more than your husband and thank God he left. You had an ordinary domestic union, don’t overdo it, perhaps you will still fall in love and will run on tiptoe to give you the phone, glad that you have the opportunity to kiss him again before leaving
Don't scare me, devil's advocate.
I can no longer be in many situations due to my age.
I expressed my opinion that the post was opened by a man,
A woman cannot write like that.
I write under a nickname. And you anonymous people of darkness and darkness.
You open the posts yourself and answer yourself.
Over the years, you will lose freshness and attractiveness for him, since this has already happened once. There is no happiness based on someone else's misfortune! Don't worry, there will always be BETTER ones
Where did I write about freshness? you heard a ringing and don’t know where he is. BZ is not much scarier than me, but this is only in the passport, in fact, we have a difference of not 3 years, but at least 10 years, then, there are things that are important for a man - I neglected them she, further, if you evict a husband with high sexual activity into another room for a long time. time, you walk like a grandmother, you talk to your husband exclusively by shouting, you’re always not happy with everything - it’s really strange that your husband left.
“There is no happiness based on someone else’s misfortune!” - and this is why you wrote. I don’t care about her happiness/unhappiness at all, my husband lived with a girl before me and that was a very long time ago.
And I don’t worry at all and don’t hold on to my pants, I’m quite successful and self-sufficient, but this doesn’t give me the right to neglect my husband, as long as we are together, I care and love him, if anything, everyone goes their own way, no problems.
P.S. I'll add it. By the way, years have passed and I am still as fresh and relevant for myself, first of all, as for my husband. naturally. And there, as there was silence in the BZ, there is, alas, the prose of life.
You are still naive... Was it yours who told you how BZ yelled at him, evicted him and walked around like a grandmother? They are masters at talking about their wives. They leave different people, including beautiful, well-groomed, self-sufficient, even loving... Prose of life. Sorry for the rudeness: “I let you smell my p..s”, so I ran...
What I didn’t have any problems with was housekeeping. I was not at all annoyed by socks lying in the wrong place (table, shelf with books, drawer with children's toys, etc.). Without reproaches or requests to “put it away,” I collected them and took them to the wash. Shoe marks in the room or on the light-colored rug in the bathroom didn’t annoy me either. And I looked for the phone and brought it myself if at that moment I was next to my husband, who was getting ready for work.
They simply asked “what has changed?”, and I answered. I’m a so-so housewife - if I’m in the mood - I’ll wash and clean everything myself, I can’t stand anyone’s brains about this. If I’m not in the mood, I’ll collect dust in the corners as I pass by, and again, I won’t bother anyone with the request to “clean up,” “sweep,” or “help.”
The only thing my husband did was cook. He did it deliciously, effortlessly, very quickly, casually, in parallel with the first, second, third and dessert. I’m not friends with cooking (I was friends...) at all. Nothing else, my husband had no household responsibilities, and this suited both of us, as it seemed to me.
So I don’t need a clean floor in front of my husband (((I just noted that the house has become cleaner.
You see, I think that an adult, sexually mature man, not a rag, not a mattress, but a person accustomed to being responsible for himself and for his family - what such a person, taking responsibility for breaking up a 10-year marriage, certainly thought before this. And if he still left, seeing how the parents were suffering, how the children were crying, this was a deliberate decision, and the advantages of this decision outweighed. And then I’m so good, I’ll come to him, “Sasha, I’ve learned a lot this month, let’s try again.” I'm afraid of rejection. I’m afraid that he will say “I’m sorry, dear, I loved you so much, but everything went up in flames, you can’t bring it back.” You see, until I hear this, I can hope. When I hear this, there will be no more hope.
But I can’t put pressure on pity (((at the institute I was friends with a boy who, at the moment of our separation, pressed me on pity. We studied during the day, I worked in the evening, came home at 12 at night - and a phone call “it’s good that you I picked up the phone, I want to say goodbye to you - I’m sitting on the window of the 13th floor and I’m going to resolve all our contradictions this way,” and until 4 o’clock in the morning I talked to him, begging him not to do anything. I hate this way of sorting things out! To the person who presses for pity, after such a conversation it’s good - he did everything he could, he tried to improve the relationship. But the person who was pressured for pity then simply wants to hang himself - because you can’t do anything, and the burden of responsibility assigned "pressor", presses, oppresses.
That girl is better because she openly expresses her feelings. I have already forgotten the last time I said something tender to him, when I pestered him just like that. While my husband was nearby, I didn’t want anything; to be honest, I thought that I was just that cold. And now I understand - wow, I’m not cold at all, I’m still boiling inside.
And I love swinging an axe. True true. Despite the fact that I am small and the cleaver is bigger than me, I still get such pleasure)).
Mine is angry, it seems to him that I am doing this as a reproach to him)), fool).
Kstity, we also separated for several months, on mutual terms. I tried to change him so that he would reach these 0.3% of the ideal man, I wanted to prove something, I was angry, worried, then I spat and said - “Fuck him!” and that’s all - go with God, live as you know.
I collected his things and sent him off. What changed? All. I became light, cheerful, my blood pressure stopped worrying, I immediately went traveling, which he kept putting off, with a bunch of interesting people I met her, started talking to friends, I got better at work, life was good. There were enough fans, but as soon as the first serious romance began, he was like a jack-in-the-box, right there. I don’t know what I took this time. But now we are together. Blows away dust particles. And, you know, I more than covered that 0.3%, and maybe I’ve always been like this, maybe I’ve changed, until.. it stopped). I don’t know, but the secret of happiness is simple: girls, don’t nag men, your nerves will be healthier and men will appreciate it.
“It’s even interesting to read. It’s not at all a fact that that girl is better than you.
After all, the pink flair of love sooner or later disappears, and banal everyday life begins. He will definitely compare his previous life and his current one. He must understand that he has a way back. For now. I need to know that you still love, that you have realized your mistakes, that you regret them, that the children are suffering and that it is difficult for you to recover from the breakup. "
I read you, I read the author. I feel incredibly sorry for the author, he writes well and sincerely. But I'm that girl. Not literally, of course. And the same - in one day.
What can I say: the author - I am for you, but... you see, that “banal everyday life” may turn out to be diametrically opposed. That girl loves him differently than you. You allowed yourself to be loved, and there they love him. There the world revolves around him. And this is important. Given this reality, the pink flair of falling in love may not fade away soon. Yes, he will compare, but time after time not in your favor. And it doesn’t matter what haircut you have. The difference is in what kind of massage you give him at night, how you serve breakfast, how you accept his gifts. And you can’t show this anymore; for this you need to live with him. In his memory, you are the one who did not give any massage, put down a plate with a standard breakfast with a knock, and took his gifts and care for granted. The chances are no longer equal. “There” must be very much worse for him to want to return to what you described. Look at everything through his eyes. I read about the kids - tears are welling up, but he slept with you, not with the children, he wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk - with you. Children are children.
I'm very sorry for you, I don't know what to advise. Probably turn over this page and after some time start a new one. Hang in there.
Why bring the conversation to the point where he will be forced to give a specific answer to your monologue - to say “no, I won’t return”? And there is no need to suggest that he try again. At least not now. Nowadays a simple conversation is enough. I would start by saying that I regret the divorce, that I often remember our happy moments (list), that we (you and the children) love you and are always waiting for your arrival, that it is hard to see children missing their dad. And to end with the fact that it’s a pity that you made such a decision and that you won’t turn back time, because I changed, reconsidered my behavior and, of course, now I wouldn’t make the mistakes that I did. And that's all, let him think. I wouldn’t suggest that he come back now either. This will need to be done later, when the feelings from the new novel and cohabitation will become dull
The example about the lover jumping from the balcony, I think, is not appropriate. It has nothing to do with pity, it was pure blackmail. But in this situation, I don’t see anything terrible in feeling sorry for your wife and children. While his conscience trembles, all is not lost for you. What you write about “loving differently” is your personal experience. Any connection is broken. You can’t predict that in a couple of years, you personally, tired after a day of work, having cooked dinner on the run, washed, ironed and put the children to bed, for about 12 o’clock at night you will want to give your husband a massage, and then jump up at 6 in the morning to serve him breakfast. Naturally, this is a conditional example #68660150
I, too, am a strong woman and I also kicked out my husband a couple of weeks ago, kicked him out for drunkenness at work... I live with my child in his apartment, I earn many times more than he does... we lived together for 14 years, we fought for a very long time for the child , for many years he was more than anything else for me... a friend, like-minded person and the closest person, he is a very good father and his daughter loves him very much, but unfortunately I cannot turn a blind eye to his periodic drinking, I know that many families they live with it and don’t think that it’s something extra, but I’m from a different background... I can’t imagine what will happen next with our lives, I understand that it most likely won’t change, and I already want to stop earning money, and to give birth to a second child and sit at home with them, but for this, apparently, another man is needed... and here again there is a problem - I just can’t imagine that a stepfather would appear in my daughter’s life, that’s also a complete mess... maybe I’m a man too. , A?
Yes, you are one hundred percent right! This is exactly how I imagine why I have no chance. They love him there, and they love him, as I understand it, for a long time and strongly. The girl there is an adult, over the years she has already understood, I think, who exactly she needs in her life and how she needs to behave so that everything is fine. Or maybe not so - she behaves as she feels, but she feels correctly. I'm at the beginning too family life she behaved differently (((and went to work with her husband (he was all for it, he liked it), and walked with him at night, and the guilt could pop at night. Now she goes to work with him.
When I was 9, my father left our family. For me it was not a tragedy, because... We didn’t have a particularly close relationship with him, and even vice versa - after the divorce, he began to communicate with me more regularly and correctly. But that's not what I mean. My mother told me that before the divorce she asked him, “Dima, do you understand how difficult it will be for me” [let me remind you, there is also famine and devastation in the country, now this is incomparably easier], to which my beloved dad, without exaggeration, answered “nothing.” , you are strong, you can handle it, but she is weak, she can’t do it without me.” Here we have the same case - I can handle it, both he and his family know this, but she is a fragile girl (((I don’t know what she really is, but her husband treats her like a flower that needs to be cherished and cherish. And I’ll get through anyway.
My elder sister, once again noticing that I was wrong in relation to my husband, I said several times that she would now do many things differently than in her youth. Just a couple of months ago, I didn’t understand her at all - why, I’m not doing anything like that, everything is correct, I got drunk - I ignored her lightly, I said something nasty - I can answer, and so on. Now understand.
The fact of the matter is that I don’t know how to talk to my husband. As it turned out, I can write here, but I can’t talk. No, it’s not like that - we don’t know how to talk to our husband. And that girl knows how.
And really - not only did I not talk, I didn’t even think that it was necessary. It seemed to me that he already understood everything - I understand him, why shouldn’t he understand me? Doesn't he know that I love him? Why say it when it’s already (to me) clear? And he is very susceptible to hearing ((at dinner a couple of times you can’t say “how delicious”, “I haven’t eaten such delicious meat for a long time”, “this is something stunning, not fish” - the husband is already in slight sadness - I don’t see how he tried, I don’t appreciate it. But I understand and appreciate it, but I’m not used to it, I’m not trained to say it out loud!!! I don’t look with longing when they don’t say anything to me about ironed shirts and washed panties, but maybe I need it too was to suffer - why don’t they say “today there’s an unusually clean shirt, there hasn’t been one like this for a long time.” (the last part of the paragraph is already superfluous, but this also hurts ((((
Learn to say good things, remember touching moments, the history of your relationship. When communicating with your husband, refer to good common memories, “Do you remember how we went on vacation”? “Do you remember how great it was there,” “You were the brightest of friends,” etc.
You know, maybe it’s because I’m not far away, but I never asked my husband what he had before me. Never. I understood that a normal 26-year-old man had some kind of relationship with someone, but believe me, I didn’t want him to remember them, discuss them with me, etc. Therefore, I accidentally, out of the corner of my eye, found out from my (!) friend (my drunken husband once told her) that he was friends with some girl before me and they almost got to the point of marriage, and then something went wrong . Why did only my friend hear this? Where was I at this time? (and I know, she was tending the children in another room) In general, this is my speculation, of course, that he was friends with the girl he left for.
There was an idea to ask his relatives (sister or mother) about this, but again, some feeling of false shame stops him - it seems to me that it is tactless and wrong to talk about this with anyone. And curiosity is bursting, of course.
And about the hospital - also not my thing, unfortunately (((I will kind of suffer, and everyone else will really suffer - my mother will be torn between me and my children, at work, where there are three of us working instead of 5 and where they are waiting for my returning from vacation (because the next girl cannot leave until I return) is also not sweet, and the husband - it is not yet known how he will behave. His girlfriend regularly visits medical institutions, maybe he has already gotten used to it?
This was our main problem, unfortunately. In his family, it is customary to celebrate weekends - from Friday to Sunday, and while the rest of the adult family members know when to stop, the husband does not feel any boundaries at all. And you know, now I’m thinking - maybe I’m to blame here too? Indeed, in the first years after the wedding, these “celebrations” were not so... widespread. Maybe I needed to come up with something for the weekend, just so that it wasn’t a party every time at the dacha, or a party every week? And in recent years I just quietly went wild when I heard “the dishes love cleanliness,” “well, one more at a time,” “well, between the ears,” and so on. Getting my husband out somewhere on Saturday (it was our custom to spend weekends at his parents’ dacha, and his sister’s family also came there) was a huge problem.
As for how long they will endure - if she is satisfied with a couple of beers every evening (or a quarter of vodka, or a piece of cognac), if she can support the company - maybe for a long time. One of my husband’s constant “accusations” against me is that in this regard, it’s “no fun” with me, I’m getting out of the team. But I can’t drink every day - I still have to put the kids to bed, and a lot of homework, and in the morning I start driving at 8, and I don’t want to think whether a glass of wine will have time to wear off from 11 pm to 8 am or not. And on the weekend - as soon as I take a sip of alcohol, I understand that we are not going ANYWHERE from the dacha until the next day! Not to visit, not to the pool, not to see my mother.
This is what we often broke our spears about.
I think that he saves her secondarily, and himself first. He feels that he is poor, unloved, unwanted, and is horrified that he will have to live in this state for many more years.
Children are children... Who will think about children when they themselves are on the verge of a breakdown? Maybe the husband decided - it’s better to be a father once a week, but completely with the children, than every day, but she has thoughts. Don't know.
P.S. In general, it’s a very funny situation. I remember that my husband VERY condemned my father in conversations, who left the family, leaving my mother with two children (even three - at that moment my sister lived with us and raised her one-year-old daughter alone). I defended my father as best I could, because... After he left, life became easier morally and financially - my father changed a lot, after the divorce he regularly helped us with money and food, and came twice a week. I have an excellent, wonderful relationship with him and his wife, and my mother communicates with both of them... And my husband said that a normal man would not do that.
Now I know what a normal guy would do))
Victoria.
Good afternoon My name is Victoria, I am 38 years old, my husband is 36. We have been living together for 11 years, officially married for 5. We have no children together. Both he and I have children from our first marriage. My daughter lived with us. Now she is 16.
In October, the husband met a girl (she is 20 years old), they began a romantic relationship. I found out about this a little later. I tried to somehow influence, there were conversations and visits to a psychologist, sometimes I broke into scandals. He promised to end everything, and then it turned out that he continued to meet with her. He said that he understands that these feelings are ruining his life, but he can’t stop anything, he is drawn to her. A couple of months ago, his attitude towards me changed dramatically, he became aggressive, constantly wanted to leave, and even packed his things. Then he gave an ultimatum that he would live with me, but leave whenever he wanted. I immediately agreed, then I couldn’t stand it, and the quarrels started again. I decided that if we went to his parents for a week, it would somehow help. And we will spend time together, and he will not be able to leave for another. At first it was very difficult, he was going through withdrawal, he just lay there and looked at the ceiling, looking for an opportunity to call her, after three or four days he began to change, tenderness towards me appeared, they began to spend more time together. At the end of the week I had to go home (work, daughter), and he decided to stay for another week. A couple of days later he called and said that he didn’t want to see me anymore, that he was staying with his parents in the village. His parents had been trying to persuade him for a long time. For him, his parents have always been a great authority.
Now he has been there for a month. During this time he completely exhausted me. He calls that he loves me, misses me and is waiting for me. It says that everything is over forever. Then he offers to communicate as friends. Now he said that we are a family, no matter who lives where. On the weekend I went to see him, I asked for it myself, but at first he was against it. Then he set a condition - no conversations, clarifications or promises. We spent two days together. He said that he missed him, he didn’t let me go even for 5 minutes, he was gentle and caring. He invites me to move in with his parents. I think he knows that I can't live there. He never ended his relationship with another girl and continues to communicate on Skype.
I love him, but maybe it's an addiction. I don’t even understand it myself. I only know that I’m ready to forgive him everything in the world, I’ve been walking around like a robot for several weeks now, doing the bare essentials. There is no desire to live. At home I cry all the time. I can neither eat nor sleep. All the time I think that he is not around, that the apartment is empty, it seems that I am flawed and inferior, since I am left alone. In my head I understand that this relationship will not bring me anything good, that perhaps this is not love, but addiction. But I can’t refuse it.
From the very beginning of our relationship, whenever there was a quarrel, my husband used to scare me by saying that he would leave. It had an immediate effect on me. This was my most great fear in life. The panic just started.
I also probably need to say that there have been betrayals before, I know about one for sure, I can only guess about others. But he had never fallen in love before and everything ended by itself. I was angry, offended, but I understood that I couldn’t leave on my own.
Now I want to get rid of addiction, find peace for myself, come to terms with the fact that I am no longer loved and I am not needed. I want to understand how you can continue to live and why. I can’t cope with the state I’m in on my own.
Victoria.
Hello, Igor. It seems to me that he is more like a son. I've always been older. He says that he will always be 16. And I didn’t have enough responsibility in him.
Victoria.
He is kind, gentle, caring. I'm interested in him. I have no more than a person with whom I can be myself. There is also the fear of being alone.
Victoria.
I think it's an addiction. I'm terrified of losing him. No doing, doing anything. I don't know how to live only for myself. My daughter is 16 years old. She communicates little with me and spends little time at home.
The thought of coming to an empty apartment and going to bed alone terrifies me. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I'm trying to find something that will bring joy and pleasure. But as soon as I think about it, I start to feel guilty. Because I can be happy without him.
Victoria.
The point is not that someone said that it is impossible for yourself. I don't want to do anything to milk myself. And I understand that I will survive. But living and surviving are two different things. Now I'm surviving. But I don’t want to live.
Victoria.
Since childhood, I have had the conviction that a single woman is incomplete, unhappy, etc. I want to learn to think differently. Now everything only leads to bad thoughts. And all the time I catch myself making plans to get my husband back.
I've read everything here about how to overcome addiction. Could it arise from a lack of love from the mother in childhood?